It's a lonely weekend for me

yeah... mom's not around, dad's glued to the tv and sofa the entire time ever since i came home around noon. It's 10:35pm now, radio's playing Kelly Clarkson's The Trouble With Love... the lights in my room is still out, now making use of my tealights... feels a little romantic heh. forgot about yesterday's stuff... tomorrow's my off day and it's a saturday... and i'm still broke. no point going out, no face to ask anyone out, my room is the only place where i feel comfortable now. away from the tragically unbalanced and cruel society of the outside world, i just can't help to feel safe, having the sense of privacy in my own world right here. Christmas mood seems to be filling the mood in almost everyone head, though i never celebrated christmas before, i wondered sometimes how it would be like to have one. the dinner, the get-together, the fun and probably booze, the tree and presents. Snow would be nice too... you know, i always about wondered about myself, why am i the way i am now. me being always pessemistic, anti-social, quiet and all... me lacking memory power, inability to do academic studying for long periods, following traits of my dad... i tried digging deeping into my childhood memory life, doing my best to salvage what i can remember... figuring out myself what had happened in the past that could have made that life-changing impact. so far did came out with some theories... but then again, i'm working on myself and alone.
lauz still in my mind these days, and while taking a shower just now, just realized... yeah i know i'm reeeeal slow but anyway... i remembered what she told a long time ago... when her parents weren't aware that we were together, that her mum mentioned that she shouldn't get involved in a relationship and be tied down to just one guy... and that she's still young and there're lots of guys out there... yeah, i guess her mum's right. plus she loves her family a lot more than anything else, frens asides, naturally they'll come first. Well, that's another little step to realizing how dumb and stupid i've been all the while...
few days ago tried initiating contact with her by sms, happened so that she was going out so not much words exchanged at all... some time later i did some wallpaper work during some free time and sent some to her by mms, got her usual don't-spend-so-much-money reply. apparently it looks things are still rather... cold. i was afraid that this would happen, yet inside me wants to just see how's she doing. i've been kinda keeping track of her life thru her blogs, looks like she having a ball of a time. God, why am i still onto her? no one has ever come forward to offer help and i'm just to shy/afraid/embaressed to approach anyone. things are just never, never working out the way i hope it would be. whether am being happy-go-lucky or praying damn hard for things, the life my goes right now seems destined. *looks around*
well onto other things... next saturday my shift guys are planning to go clubbing at zouk, i haven't been to any for a real long time... and since it's AFTER pay day, i think that's something for me to look forward to. work wise, it's december now and there's some surpise base security audit happening some time next week (so much for "surprise"...) plus, duty spot checks and night baiting happening soon too... man i can smell the extra duties coming to me. to make matters worse, my duty schdule looks pretty packed, what a way to end the year.
alright think that enough for tonight... oh told yer about the cat before? well this happened a few days ago... she just came into our barrack just like that and... well look on


"What are you looking at? Where is your stash of food?!" 


*pic's a little though, but she's actually looking into my cupboard* 


"useless junk... where is your food?!" 


"Ooh FHM... mmm...." 


.... and all this was happening... with all those guys around. Erp.  


A random photo i took of Antis... doesn't he look sweeet???