Slowly dying inside....
Gee... i just got a christmas voice greeting from this person named Rachael... whom i have no idea who she is. it's the 2nd time i've got a christmas voice greeting... at least this one left her name.
just came back from town, was intending to buy stuff to make so-called christmas presents... in the end i bought something which i'm now not sure why i'm doing this in the first place. at first i thought of going to ikea... then i changed my mind and thought of going to spotlight coz they have more diy stuff there. anyway cut to the chase, now i lost the drive to do anything... tell me, is carving out the picture of someone's face on a candle a good idea? i think i'm losing it.
this morning i watched the matrix reloaded... now i know why they say the 2nd installent was the better out of the trilogy. then i was gonna find new stuff to download when.... they all were shut down. suprnova.org, the king of torrent links was not there anyway. the place where i got the lastest movies too was removed. even in irc, channels were ceasing operations. i was wondering, what the fuck happened. after some reading thru and searching around... apparently it had something to do with infringing copyright shit and stuff, and these guys had to shut down. man... i just got cable and this has to happen. really sad.... well at least im still able to download stuff... good enough for me.
today my mind went thru a lot of... thoughts. why am i in this current state of loneliness, depression... not looking up to almost anything. i just wonder, really who am to those people i know? actually i don't know exactly what state i am in, whether i'm really seriously suffering mentally or just a phase i'm going thru... cos no one told me. no one bother to find out how i'm really am. went i talked about ending my life and all that shit, people just told me off, like literally slapping me in the face with their words... telling me how foolish of me to think of something like that. i know their intentions are you, but by telling me off like that? going,"why do you always have to be so sad and make your life difficult..." whenever i'm down and in a very pessemistic mood... and telling me that i have to help myself and there's nothing they can do for me. to me i feel like... all these are threats, if i don't listening to your so-called advice, you'll leave me. what if i really don't or can't? and i end up disappearing from this world forever... will you finally admit that you could've done something about me or just.... "he didn't listen and he made his own choice". honestly, i don't really enjoy this society we live in nowadays. in the past, having someone that loves you and being there for you is more than enough... but now, buying gifts and spending $ on entertainment seems to be rather important too. rationships are no longer not just dependant on what's in you, what you have with you and what you possess counts too. i'm probably one of the victims of this new urban society world... a simple guy with simple possesions is just simply leading a miserable life.
i really wish there's someone out there who can really understand what i'm going through... somewhere inside me wished that that someone would be laura... i know life has to go on, but i really can't go on like this for so long all by myself. i really can't....
just came back from town, was intending to buy stuff to make so-called christmas presents... in the end i bought something which i'm now not sure why i'm doing this in the first place. at first i thought of going to ikea... then i changed my mind and thought of going to spotlight coz they have more diy stuff there. anyway cut to the chase, now i lost the drive to do anything... tell me, is carving out the picture of someone's face on a candle a good idea? i think i'm losing it.
this morning i watched the matrix reloaded... now i know why they say the 2nd installent was the better out of the trilogy. then i was gonna find new stuff to download when.... they all were shut down. suprnova.org, the king of torrent links was not there anyway. the place where i got the lastest movies too was removed. even in irc, channels were ceasing operations. i was wondering, what the fuck happened. after some reading thru and searching around... apparently it had something to do with infringing copyright shit and stuff, and these guys had to shut down. man... i just got cable and this has to happen. really sad.... well at least im still able to download stuff... good enough for me.
today my mind went thru a lot of... thoughts. why am i in this current state of loneliness, depression... not looking up to almost anything. i just wonder, really who am to those people i know? actually i don't know exactly what state i am in, whether i'm really seriously suffering mentally or just a phase i'm going thru... cos no one told me. no one bother to find out how i'm really am. went i talked about ending my life and all that shit, people just told me off, like literally slapping me in the face with their words... telling me how foolish of me to think of something like that. i know their intentions are you, but by telling me off like that? going,"why do you always have to be so sad and make your life difficult..." whenever i'm down and in a very pessemistic mood... and telling me that i have to help myself and there's nothing they can do for me. to me i feel like... all these are threats, if i don't listening to your so-called advice, you'll leave me. what if i really don't or can't? and i end up disappearing from this world forever... will you finally admit that you could've done something about me or just.... "he didn't listen and he made his own choice". honestly, i don't really enjoy this society we live in nowadays. in the past, having someone that loves you and being there for you is more than enough... but now, buying gifts and spending $ on entertainment seems to be rather important too. rationships are no longer not just dependant on what's in you, what you have with you and what you possess counts too. i'm probably one of the victims of this new urban society world... a simple guy with simple possesions is just simply leading a miserable life.
i really wish there's someone out there who can really understand what i'm going through... somewhere inside me wished that that someone would be laura... i know life has to go on, but i really can't go on like this for so long all by myself. i really can't....
posted by Tommy at 5:14 PM
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