A Great Chapter In My Life
It all started early this year, where I came to know this girl online. I never really expect myself to find a pleasant surprise out of this new person, but as we slowly got along, I could feel there is something special about her. It wasn't too long before we met for the first time and it was a great first meet. It may look kinda rushed, but soon after we got together. It was unusual for me coz, I haven't been in a relationship for a really long time... I have came across a few opportunities but I contemplated all the while, wasn't sure that I was prepared to commit again since my first ex. This time, to me, it felt like it was the right time and that I should go for it... and I'm glad that I did so. Although we don't get to meet much, but each meet was like special... the feeling of holding her hands and walking down the streets was something I haven't felt in years... a kind of assurance that makes nothing else matters, as long as I'm with her. No one's perfect and she's no exception, but she is someone who I can stare at the whole day and not get sick of it, not even one bit. Silly as it may sound, but it is like no definate word to describe how much joy she brought me, with just her presence.
But... it wasn't made to last. In some situations she couldn't handle it well as she had thought and that lead to a few not-so-good instances... but I forgave her and tried to talk her into sharing her problems. Age was one of the issue... I was alright with it, but she had doubts. In the end, she realised that she wanted to focus on her career instead... and going into a relationship now wasn't the best to do so. What really made me soft and a little confused was that she had her concerns on me too, that I should go for other girls of my age... I read that when girls say things like "it's not you, the problem lies with me " and other stuff, it means something else. I'm probably that dumb enough not to know what is it. I mean... how would you feel, if you were in my shoes, you're happily being with someone when suddenly she wants to end it all just like that? I know what I did, and I reacted to that in the most horrible way... so bad that I should shoot myself in the leg for even thinking about it. Sigh.
After some thoughts, it came through to me that yeah... maybe its not the right time to be together, but we can still be friends, right? Right....?
And then came the 2nd blow,
To end a relationship is one thing... but to end being friends and stop contact altogether is really a different matter. How am I to just forget someone, who is literally a part of my life, just like that? Especially when when there is no hatred involved? Even after she had threw all sorts of words to push me away, some even struck me in the heart, I just can't find a reason to hate her in any way. She said I was confused... but really I beg to differ. She is important in my life because of the impact she made on my life, when we were together... that's probably what she didn't know. I treasure my little circle of friends as they are almost like my lifeline... to lose any is really.... an unimaginably difficult thing to get through.
During the final moments with her in MSN, I poured out as much as I could the things I wanted to say to her.... for after that I'll be blocked in her list. I was close to tears, my fingers trembling slightly and feeling myself in a crushed state. Really... saying goodbye is the hardest thing I've ever gone through emotionally.
I couldn't stand the torture, so after that I called up my "24hr full time Aunt Agony", C. Can't help myself but to pour out my painful grievances and sorrows and whatever burning inside me... just glad to know that, even when it feels like the world is coming to an end, it's a wonder how a listening ear can calm the most turbulant minds.
Now thinking it all back.... I just I guess have to learn to accept what's coming to me now. I respect her decisions and maybe she's right, it's better this way. You know actually... since the begining of this year, I've kept every single SMS I've recieved in my phone.... including hers. Don't ask me why... a total of 1131 SMSes you ppl sent me. We didn't take a picture together somehow and I didn't have a picture of her in my phone.... but if there is something to remember her of, it's through these SMSes from her, from the first ever message she sent to me till the *sigh*... unpleasant last one. Heh... just scrolling through those earlier few brought great memories of us together... I will definately never forget her, as she did gave me the happiest moments in my life and I'm glad to have came across her in my life. "Knowing that my life will have to go one without you makes me sad" was one of the messages she wrote, likewise here... but she also said that time will heal everything... and finally after a long while, I agree with her. I am hopeful though, that I can one day hear or meet up with her again.... but..... well let's see what the future and fate holds.
Thanks for all your love, Aslyn. It's been great hanging out with you... one who I can never forget. Will love you always.
But... it wasn't made to last. In some situations she couldn't handle it well as she had thought and that lead to a few not-so-good instances... but I forgave her and tried to talk her into sharing her problems. Age was one of the issue... I was alright with it, but she had doubts. In the end, she realised that she wanted to focus on her career instead... and going into a relationship now wasn't the best to do so. What really made me soft and a little confused was that she had her concerns on me too, that I should go for other girls of my age... I read that when girls say things like "it's not you, the problem lies with me " and other stuff, it means something else. I'm probably that dumb enough not to know what is it. I mean... how would you feel, if you were in my shoes, you're happily being with someone when suddenly she wants to end it all just like that? I know what I did, and I reacted to that in the most horrible way... so bad that I should shoot myself in the leg for even thinking about it. Sigh.
After some thoughts, it came through to me that yeah... maybe its not the right time to be together, but we can still be friends, right? Right....?
And then came the 2nd blow,
To end a relationship is one thing... but to end being friends and stop contact altogether is really a different matter. How am I to just forget someone, who is literally a part of my life, just like that? Especially when when there is no hatred involved? Even after she had threw all sorts of words to push me away, some even struck me in the heart, I just can't find a reason to hate her in any way. She said I was confused... but really I beg to differ. She is important in my life because of the impact she made on my life, when we were together... that's probably what she didn't know. I treasure my little circle of friends as they are almost like my lifeline... to lose any is really.... an unimaginably difficult thing to get through.
During the final moments with her in MSN, I poured out as much as I could the things I wanted to say to her.... for after that I'll be blocked in her list. I was close to tears, my fingers trembling slightly and feeling myself in a crushed state. Really... saying goodbye is the hardest thing I've ever gone through emotionally.
I couldn't stand the torture, so after that I called up my "24hr full time Aunt Agony", C. Can't help myself but to pour out my painful grievances and sorrows and whatever burning inside me... just glad to know that, even when it feels like the world is coming to an end, it's a wonder how a listening ear can calm the most turbulant minds.
Now thinking it all back.... I just I guess have to learn to accept what's coming to me now. I respect her decisions and maybe she's right, it's better this way. You know actually... since the begining of this year, I've kept every single SMS I've recieved in my phone.... including hers. Don't ask me why... a total of 1131 SMSes you ppl sent me. We didn't take a picture together somehow and I didn't have a picture of her in my phone.... but if there is something to remember her of, it's through these SMSes from her, from the first ever message she sent to me till the *sigh*... unpleasant last one. Heh... just scrolling through those earlier few brought great memories of us together... I will definately never forget her, as she did gave me the happiest moments in my life and I'm glad to have came across her in my life. "Knowing that my life will have to go one without you makes me sad" was one of the messages she wrote, likewise here... but she also said that time will heal everything... and finally after a long while, I agree with her. I am hopeful though, that I can one day hear or meet up with her again.... but..... well let's see what the future and fate holds.
Thanks for all your love, Aslyn. It's been great hanging out with you... one who I can never forget. Will love you always.
posted by Tommy at 6:27 PM
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