letting it out

came home feeling really tired and exhausted... as of now i really feel like sleeping and it's only 10pm. i guess it's the hot season now, continous hot days, making me sweat like a pig in my uniform. today's drive was nothing special, but had my height and lashing test... passed with ease. it's a bit unbelievable that some can still fail that, but ah it's their problem. the parking test was supposely conducted today too, but now postponed till next monday... meanwhile a few had managed to take it today. only a handful passed, hmm. during the afternoon laura smsed me how was my test, and i replied and we kinda went into a short sms conversation... felt like old times during that short period of time. that was until i mentioned that she sounded happy when smsing, said that she must had a good week and she didn't reply... felt that i screwed it up again. during my 1 hour plus journey home, had a heavy feeling in my heart which almost led to a real heart pain. for so many days, i had wanted to let her know how much i really missed talking to her, hearing her voice... basically i'm really missing her alot. the thing is, i don't know or even don't think she felt the same way for me. those words that she last said to me, that she one of the main reasons she was still with me is that she was just worried about me... which pretty much showed that she wanted to go elsewhere from this relationship... and i was so stupid not to realise that. the sacrifices that she made for me, i just felt so guilty and bad, that i feel so ashamed of myself for being the person i am. all the pain i've caused her... god why am i saying all these?! if she sees this... sigh i'm just really confused. i have the painful urge to tell her my feelings, to tell her how much she meant to me... even though she doesn't feel that way for me anymore.... but i can't as i promise to give her a break and not mention about any of these or ask her what's she doing, reminding her of the obligations she associated them with all these. holding back and keeping these thoughts to myself and from her, hurts me so much and nearly brought me to the brink of tears... so many times that i looked at my phone, hoping to recieve a message from or sending a message to her... lost count of how many times i did that, in a day. the feeling of loving someone so much, but that someone doesn't love you that much anymore... plus you have to let her go, is really the most disheartening, demoralizing and painful feeling in my entire life... but in the end i have to face this sooner or later and somehow... am i the problem to all these? would she've been better if i'm not around? but i have to prove to her that i'm strong, and not that low in confidence... but God, not at the expense of having her to go... why is it so unfair?!