reflecting myself

Lasst night... hmm well didn't exact went as all planned... but still, the company was alright for me. our man was supposed to have reserved some tickets to the entry for the nus bash thingy up at chinablack.... but at the last moment his source screwed up, so we ended with none and queued for a bloody 2 hours to gain entry via chinablack itself. gave up in the end and we head down to china jump instead... where we just spent a while there, with a few drinks... then finally headed to a kopitiam for some food before going home. i anticipated changes... i guess i'm quite used to it.... but i also found out that, it might be better for me to just be out alone. with ppl around there're bound to be some conflicts, last minute plans and stuff... plus my social skills have be going on a downhill ride, i'm now more of just riding along... going with the flow. right now i think i don't have anyone important in my life, apart from my mom.... the only closes company i have is stef... who had just promised me that she'll reserve her break time this coming thurs for me. we shall see...
everyday i go thru this bout of confusion, of what to do when to do what to think who to think for why should i do blah blah blah... life like mine is slowly becoming meaningless. i'm not sure whether to feel sad, sorry for myself or pissed, angry... glad? or simply don't feel anything at all. no one's telling me to do anything, i am free to do whatever i want... but when you don't know what you want, you don't know your aim, or you don't even know yourself cos no one's talking to you and no one's pointing out your mistakes, no one's saying about what ya doing... no one's even bothered about you.... alone and the impression displaying as, left out. no opinions, not comments, no compliments, no abuse, no words at all. i feel lke an outkast, who is just blending in with the community for the sake of, not being left out. i have no drive, no motivation to persue anything... no goals set at this point of life... time seems to stand still inside me.
i wonder why i have become like this... from young an active kid, turned shy and timid... then wacky, humourous, some say that i'm caring, faithful, dependable(?)... then back to anti-social, reserved and cold. looking back at my life, to be real honest, i don't really know what kind of person i am! mixed? can't be.... everyone's got a distinguished character of themselves, something that defines them, them. what about me? hmm...
my last entry about laura was... yes harsh at her, but it's really the truth and i can only come with conclusions based on what i believe cos... no one's telling me what's real behind it. yeah i am naive, shallow, whatever you call... ah i give up. no, not at lief, but all these. what's all these? heh i don't know...

sigh...