Happy 19th Birthday to Laura

ahh... it's been a while, having a hot drink... here late at night, on the computer... the day went quite... just like that. no meeting up with anyone, no contact with anyone, no one even replied my messages... begining to wonder who they see me as? in the end i went out, alone as usual... cloudy thoughts running around my head and stuff... it's laura's birthday today, just feels so... different. can't really explain it, it's just that kind of feeling. she'd be out with her frens today, i guess she deserve a good celebration time with them... finally. also if we had still been together, it would've been 4 straight years together. just the thought of that kills a small part of me inside, but there's really nothing much that i can do. throughout the day i wondered, why am i so dependant on just one person? i tried to recall my past childhood to see of any link to this... and realized, when i was really young, i used to play with this neighbour kid all the time... i guess he was my only fren back then, gosh why do i have a sad childhood life. i grew up to be this guy i am now, with this character, these habits, frankly speaking i'm not really that proud of myself. yes i do always try to see things on the other side point of view, but the positive effects, regardless how good they are, will always wear off and it's back to square one. i can't be born as a very depressive person, right? right now i really wanna know what i need in life... is it a someone? i've always imagined myself having this real close female fren, whom we grew up together, confided my inner heart matters and none of my frens know about her. Hmm.. sometimes i wished that i was a christian, so that i can go to church everyday and confess and confess and confess... sit alone in the hall and asking God what i should do. at the same time i'm just afraid that if i keep pouring out my feelings to someone, he/she will get sick of it and i don't know... what do i need? what do i need... love? attention? car??? i suppose it's safe to say that i'm lacking all 3 of them... gosh why does no one contact me, asking how am i once in a while, asking wanna hang out... apart from Dick... what is it about me that puts them off?? is my character that such of a ... turn off? everyday i put up with this brave front, acting so-called 'cool and calm' look... or some would say a 'bo chap' look, ah i don't know. hmm... btw last night did that little celebration with laura at her place, at the pavilion where we had first got really close together... 1 day before we got together, urgh... i didn't managed to get any present for her, but she said it was alright... it was really great to see her again, haven't changed much at all... the happiness inside me... short-lived cos she had to go. i wish i could tell her that i still miss her so much, but that something that she doesn't want to hear... and i dont want to give her anymore trouble with those words... it's something which i, no matter what have to accept. may happiness bestow her always and may God please help me..