Near the breaking point

man, everyday it's always starts with a hot and sunny day.... then later in the afternoon it rains. yesterday was a really really terrible day for me, i was so freakin' stressed out and had to stay in.... and had duty last night too! it all started with my officer who wanted to have all the paperwork regarding to the driving to be updated and back-dated properly. it's been quite a while since ive wrote.... and he wants me to get it done.... all in one day. when i heard that i was like what the FUCk, throughout the day i put up a sulky face. btw i just woke up, so there's gonna be some loop holes here and there... anyway, i also had duty on that night and i didn't sleep much for it.... actually due to me staying up to play the sims.... it was to get my mind of the matter for a while... a long while.... then while on duty, i didn't even get to sleep at all. firstly there was a blackout in my duty area... then there was a lot of car movement... plus there was lightning all over... and it was a clear night with the moon shining so damn bright.... i was so pissed at life the whole of yesterday. messaged so many ppl and fuckin' none of them replied... even tilll now. i was so in need of talking to someone and no one, NO ONE was there for me. i was a really down and sad feeling... drove me to near the breaking point. am i that irritating and useless? what saved me from thid state was this simple... thing. a sunny day. this morning it was clear, bright and damn hot.... but it somehow brought me this calming feel. probably also becos that i can dismount and go get my much damn needed rest.... my officer didn't came this morning... and that saved me from having to face him and explain all the shit and stuff. sigh why can't ppl understand how and what i'm going through? it's not as if i'm doing this for pity, it's fuckin real when i get into this depressive state. and all i needed for just someone who i can talk to... is it that hard?! i know it's in my personality to get depressed easily, but that's me and if that's a real turn off to everyone, then who the fuck can i turn to? i really sometimes thought of getting medical help for this, but i'm just embarressed to tell everyone that i'm a weakling that i can't make it on my own. why is god so unfair....plus i had calculated wrongly... 7 more days to pay day... thought it was this weekend that i'm getting pay... this sat having off.... sigh. just feel like breaking down right now and let if all cry out in my bed.... it hurts so much to not have that close one who you can turn to in times of these... its like, so near but yet so far...