*big exhale*

well... a few hours ago met up with dick and went to watch shrek 2, had to put my mind off to somewhere for a while... man it was realy funny, at same time the story plot reminded me of some things.... after the show both of us went walking around orchard, literally. i didn't tell him how i was doing the whole time cos i dun wanna get him upset and pissed at me bcos of this... didn't talk much at all the whole time. walked round orchard then to PS then... to esplanade then to one fullerton then to cifford pier then... went home. oh before i met up with him, was at borders reading stuff... came across the motogp book about the recent season. had no idea that Dijiro Kato, one of those young rising stars, had died from a bad racing accident. that shocked me... and also found out that valentino rossi, one of my favourite racing idols... the one who always races on that no.46 bike (who also rode the nastro azzuro nsr500 which she had bought the model for me as a present sigh), is leaving Team Honda after a great 4 year partnership. in the book he said that he thanked the team blahx3... but felt that he already did his best for the team already and now wants to find new challenges. and that got me thinking... should i like follow his footsteps? this somehow applied to her too... val also said that he hate to leave that no.1 bike, which he had treated her as his girlfriend, he rode and worked on for so long and hates to see her land in some other ppl's hands... now that applies to me. sigh now my mood is still swinging up and down, up and down... i kinda feel like what i need is a small bunch of ppl who i can hang out and be there to be my listening ear to problems... she had been there for me for so long and i guess she's tired of it already. i just want her to be happy in the end, but still it's so hard for me to let it go. i would still change and do things for her... cos seeing her enjoy and being happy makes me happy... and i missed being special to someone, the feeling of you're that one who she looks to, the one who is there for her... you know that feeling? now its like i'm there for no one, like why am i here for. so long the time has past, guess there's still a reeally long way to go... so many times i felt like calling her, but i can't... can't afford to make another stupid mistake and can't make her worry about me... and i can't intrude her life just like that... man every weekend i go thru this shit... can't set my hopes too high on anything... before i met her i was suffering so much being alone, i really don't wanna go thru this again! do i need someone in my life? the way things going now and that no one's been talking much to me kinda says so... gosh do i look that horrible and unapproachable? hmm... and these days i can feel that i'm slowly getting sick, hope it happens AFTER my course... *tears coming out from my eyes*