my sunday...

me and my mum 

didn't feel like writing much today... well anyway in the morning went to suntec city that fountain of wealth there with my mum for this vesak day thingy going on there... had to go cos my mum didn't know how to get there. to tell ya the truth, i'm not really into buddhism, just felt that i was made to go thru all these and ended up one. food there was ok, and after that, accompanied my mum to the bus stop and sent her off. i went back to suntec carrefour and bought some brownie mix... had thought of making some since i've got nothing to do... ok to be honest, was thinking of making some and sending it over to laura. got home, started making... my first batch was horrible cos i didn't cover the top and it got burnt quickly... and it tasted rather 'cakey'. the 2nd lot made it thicker and it looked better so i assumed it was... so packed some for her, asked her whether she's home and went over. along the way i kept saying to myself, dun put my hopes on too high on anything, dun hope for anything at all... just pass it to her and go. but... apparently when she came out to meet me, she was carrying her house key, phone and... my atm card. that kinda meant something... anyway, somehow she knew that i wanted to like ask to go sit up at the garden... and while up there, while i was talking, she kinda had this 'you're wasting my time' body language and i was like... what am i doing. really... i just don't know why i'm doing all these... i just couldn't tell her what i was really feeling cos i know, that if i do so, i am gonna mess up everything like i always do. but... seeing her gave me some sense of... well at least i'm not forgotten. we said good bye and while i walking back, i kept scolding myself why why why am i so fucking stubborn to change... i was really holding back my tears when i hugged her... but while walking home i just couldn't bear to not let out... everything that i do, for others, for myself, for everyone and everything... just doesn't seem right. had tried to call some ppl to talk it out but no one answered... and i just found out and forgot that emmy's in ireland now... and i thought she was ignoring me like the others... sigh. oh did i mentioned that i actually talk to laura at 4plus in the morning? it was just a short chat about the movie we had watched, a little catching up... and after that i was feeling glad that i had finally talked to her in such a long while... yah. till now i still couldn't find anyone to talk to... they all kept telling me that i have to fight this myself yadiyadiya... what i feel is that i need FRENS to TALK to... god it's so fuckin' hard to trust ppl these days... gonna end here really, not in the mood for anything at all... just wanna forget things... *covers his face*