An absolutely horrible day to live... losing myself
As i speak now, troubled matters are still brewing around me. i really don't know how to begin and i don't know when will all these end. today has really drove me to breaking myself apart, the events that caused all these really burning me mentally. I didn't see all these coming and i didn't anticipate them coming to me fast, one after another. *clutches hair*
The Online Conversation
Just before the start of last night's duty, i went on to msn on my phone. i decided to find out what was with laura and her cold attitude these days. And this was what i found out: 1)The the night before she didn't reply my message was because she was watching a movie. 2)She just doesn't have much to say to me. 3)she wasn't avoiding me, she's just moving on with life. About that last one, i could sense something like "i'm moving on with life, how about YOU? huh??" coming out from her mind. all the while i was doing the asking and talking, and she just gave those few words replies. i think all these says it all, she's no longer the friend i used to know.
My dog Antis...
while i was gonna load up for deployment, an incident happened and Antis injured his rear leg. it got pretty bad, he was whining madly after falling down, hitting the tailboard and since then, he's limping on 3 legs. there were cuts, seriously i have no idea how he got them. initially i was told not to be deployed by the pc who was around, but i had to anyway. much later i came to know the reason why he didn't want me to be deployed, he claimed that i looked stressed out from the incident. Fuck you asshole, firstly i sweat easily, secondly attending to Antis while carrying my rifle and webbing isn't like a walk in the park. That pc had to pull another stunt before the incident, "stunning" the unattended rifles. that shithole is asking for it...
Alone and awake
While at duty area, it was a peaceful night, no visits, no vehicles... but the deployment timings were all screwed and thoughts about my screwed up life had arisen.
i was feeling incredibly desperate, and being alone out in the quiet night didn't help at all. i tried calling some ppl, hoping to reach out to someone, all asleep, not in the mood to talk.... eventually found michelle. my mind was full of negativity, so much that i had to pour them out, unfortunate to have her to hear them. it turned out that i realised, i just can't express out what i feel, the reason why no one could understand me. it became all pointless to talk to anyone, being unable to even think properly of what to say... those words of mine will end up offending someone. i couldn't sleep much that night... my mind increasingly stressed out.
The morning investigation
back at dog sect, Kumar the warrant officer here, came and ask to see the dog. me, marv the nco and nic the ic for that night's duty stuck to the common story and he was alright it seems. what surprised us was that master karu came to know about it too... none of us had informed him. it was already bad that we didn't inform him last night, now that he came to know about it just a while ago is just much worse. when he came, the brutal interrogation began. he didn't believed what we said, insisting that we were covering up and that something else happened he believed. there was a point of time he stared straight into my eyes, with fingers and fists pointing at me. i hated confrontations, so i backed off. i know myself that i don't work well under stress, don't care what the guys say about me not being able to take the heat. i'd rather step back and get myself composed than cry out there in front of anyone. i stuck to the story, whatever fuck shit crap he pulled to put me off... i stuck to what i saw and what i saw only. Antis was his fav. dog, just becos he could do obstacles he's the pride of his control of dogs. Now that he's injured, bad, you'd know why he's so fucking fuming. in the end, new standing orders about loading of dogs came... i have a strong feeling this is not the end for me...
Burnt
because of the seriousness of Antis's injury, he's gotta be sent to the hospital. If Antis has to go, his handler has to follow too... me. Marv the nco was told to accompany as well, reason obvious. so while the other guys get to go home at 11am, me, marv and H.L. the driver were at Mt Pleasant animal hospital, waiting in line to be seen by the doc. after a fucking long 1 hour wait... Antis was erm checked, no fractures thankfully, be he suffered a possible ligement tear which is quite bad; if he manages to heal good but may not be able to work on obstacles much anymore. if not, surgery is needed to salvage his bone joints... and he'll never be actively jumping again. Fuck... end of the world. If Antis is screwed, so am i. for now, he's out of duty and required compulsory rest... that mean no more me showing up infront of his kennel and him jumping around like me. well, he can't jump anyway now...
We got back to camp at about 2:30pm, was asleep throughout the ride back. by then i was really drained, both mentally and physically. i got home and almost knocked out immediately on the bed.... until....
Missing books
... the nco at dog sect. called and asked me where were the hanger beat books for last night's duty. i remembered writing them and keeping them into the bag, but they searched all of the bags and everywhere but couldn't find them. Fuck again.... i must have dropped them at the weathershed, while bringing out the bag to pull into the tonner, they must have dropped out. i really hope that that was what had happened.... i pray that they will find it there....
I really don't know what to do now. i can't talk to anyone about what i'm going through... i can't stop having those thoughts that are ravaging my mind... it's only here where i can let out what's going on in me... i can only write what i'm feeling and have no idea what it means. i could feel a slight suicide tendency growing in me but i'm trying my greatest might to fight it off. the only sounds i hear within me are the cries that are building up, anger swelling up throughout my body...
what the fuck is happening to me?!
The Online Conversation
Just before the start of last night's duty, i went on to msn on my phone. i decided to find out what was with laura and her cold attitude these days. And this was what i found out: 1)The the night before she didn't reply my message was because she was watching a movie. 2)She just doesn't have much to say to me. 3)she wasn't avoiding me, she's just moving on with life. About that last one, i could sense something like "i'm moving on with life, how about YOU? huh??" coming out from her mind. all the while i was doing the asking and talking, and she just gave those few words replies. i think all these says it all, she's no longer the friend i used to know.
My dog Antis...
while i was gonna load up for deployment, an incident happened and Antis injured his rear leg. it got pretty bad, he was whining madly after falling down, hitting the tailboard and since then, he's limping on 3 legs. there were cuts, seriously i have no idea how he got them. initially i was told not to be deployed by the pc who was around, but i had to anyway. much later i came to know the reason why he didn't want me to be deployed, he claimed that i looked stressed out from the incident. Fuck you asshole, firstly i sweat easily, secondly attending to Antis while carrying my rifle and webbing isn't like a walk in the park. That pc had to pull another stunt before the incident, "stunning" the unattended rifles. that shithole is asking for it...
Alone and awake
While at duty area, it was a peaceful night, no visits, no vehicles... but the deployment timings were all screwed and thoughts about my screwed up life had arisen.
i was feeling incredibly desperate, and being alone out in the quiet night didn't help at all. i tried calling some ppl, hoping to reach out to someone, all asleep, not in the mood to talk.... eventually found michelle. my mind was full of negativity, so much that i had to pour them out, unfortunate to have her to hear them. it turned out that i realised, i just can't express out what i feel, the reason why no one could understand me. it became all pointless to talk to anyone, being unable to even think properly of what to say... those words of mine will end up offending someone. i couldn't sleep much that night... my mind increasingly stressed out.
The morning investigation
back at dog sect, Kumar the warrant officer here, came and ask to see the dog. me, marv the nco and nic the ic for that night's duty stuck to the common story and he was alright it seems. what surprised us was that master karu came to know about it too... none of us had informed him. it was already bad that we didn't inform him last night, now that he came to know about it just a while ago is just much worse. when he came, the brutal interrogation began. he didn't believed what we said, insisting that we were covering up and that something else happened he believed. there was a point of time he stared straight into my eyes, with fingers and fists pointing at me. i hated confrontations, so i backed off. i know myself that i don't work well under stress, don't care what the guys say about me not being able to take the heat. i'd rather step back and get myself composed than cry out there in front of anyone. i stuck to the story, whatever fuck shit crap he pulled to put me off... i stuck to what i saw and what i saw only. Antis was his fav. dog, just becos he could do obstacles he's the pride of his control of dogs. Now that he's injured, bad, you'd know why he's so fucking fuming. in the end, new standing orders about loading of dogs came... i have a strong feeling this is not the end for me...
Burnt
because of the seriousness of Antis's injury, he's gotta be sent to the hospital. If Antis has to go, his handler has to follow too... me. Marv the nco was told to accompany as well, reason obvious. so while the other guys get to go home at 11am, me, marv and H.L. the driver were at Mt Pleasant animal hospital, waiting in line to be seen by the doc. after a fucking long 1 hour wait... Antis was erm checked, no fractures thankfully, be he suffered a possible ligement tear which is quite bad; if he manages to heal good but may not be able to work on obstacles much anymore. if not, surgery is needed to salvage his bone joints... and he'll never be actively jumping again. Fuck... end of the world. If Antis is screwed, so am i. for now, he's out of duty and required compulsory rest... that mean no more me showing up infront of his kennel and him jumping around like me. well, he can't jump anyway now...
We got back to camp at about 2:30pm, was asleep throughout the ride back. by then i was really drained, both mentally and physically. i got home and almost knocked out immediately on the bed.... until....
Missing books
... the nco at dog sect. called and asked me where were the hanger beat books for last night's duty. i remembered writing them and keeping them into the bag, but they searched all of the bags and everywhere but couldn't find them. Fuck again.... i must have dropped them at the weathershed, while bringing out the bag to pull into the tonner, they must have dropped out. i really hope that that was what had happened.... i pray that they will find it there....
I really don't know what to do now. i can't talk to anyone about what i'm going through... i can't stop having those thoughts that are ravaging my mind... it's only here where i can let out what's going on in me... i can only write what i'm feeling and have no idea what it means. i could feel a slight suicide tendency growing in me but i'm trying my greatest might to fight it off. the only sounds i hear within me are the cries that are building up, anger swelling up throughout my body...
what the fuck is happening to me?!
posted by Tommy at 5:47 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home