"...I have enough of you"

Those were the last words I saw before she disappear from the screen. "What have I done?" After reading a barrage of messages flashing almost non-stop, I came to realise how I awful I was in the eyes of her. I can't explain myself, I have no reason or right to explain at all. She was right with the facts, and I stared with disbelief at myself.

Since the first time it happened late last year, I told myself that I will not make the same mistake. I was given the opportunity this time round to redeem myself but somehow, yet I failed again. I couldn't visit her as I was really tired from working late the night before, and since I had work again the following night, the only time available was the weekend... but to her, it was way to late.

To be honest, I get jealous whenever she mentions about that UK guy, especially when he is actually flying over here just to see her. It was purely unintentional of me to say "do you care?", as I had misinterpreted her response when he was already in Malaysia. I didn't know that I was being utterly rude to say that until she responded to what I had said... but again, it was a case of me not thinking before saying. I really regretted saying that and tried to apologize, but the damage was done.

Call me silly, but I've always been afraid of losing her. I don't think I mentioned this to her but, to me she is my closest friend I've got at this point of life. I see her as someone who I can be comfortable at being myself and be open to anything.... something I don't share that with anyone else. I was attracted to her in the beginning and... I still do even now. But now it seems that, it's me being myself that is causing all the trouble between us. I never really had anything against her, partly because I always mainly focus of the plus sides of friends around me, and she scored the highest in my book. I had always thought that I've been trying my best to be a buddy to her, making time, helping out with little things here and there....

...apparently it's not enough to outshine the flaws in me.

I can only ask for forgiveness and be given another chance, for I am determined to get it right. I promise not talk bad about any of your friends and respect and value the friends that you choose. I realise my mistake, it's not only about what I did, it is also what I didn't do.
I am so truly sorry.

When thoughts alone no longer counts...

The time has come again to really re-think who I am. I may have told many that I'm still pretty much the same for the past few months, but in reality I had gone through ups and downs silently. Came to know a few new people as well and... it's always the case of they capture your attention first and it looked interesting, but as time goes by and we came to know more about each other, the more we reveal who we really are. Some would say that this is the period of test, to see that person is truly worthy of being a good friend, or vice versa. Most of them are just worthy of just keeping in touch and no more than that.....

I thought that all the while I've been good to others, or maybe too good to my close ones... until recently I was made, on my own, to question myself, on how I treat them. At this point of life I'm still very much at a disadvantage compare to other guys who are earning... well better salary and well... to put it loosely, own "better things", and also because of the group of people that I just somehow prefer to hang out with, doesn't really help. Seriously, if I had my own car, it's not that it'll make me more popular... but to me, nothing makes me feel better than being able to be there for someone. Just only a couple days ago, I was at work and she just came out of op. I called to see how it went and how's she doing. After hearing I really wanted to just fly over there and pick her up, but I was limited of my means and I offered the best and honest alternative that i can do.... and it was just wasn't enough. I really don't blame her, knowing her well..... but my intentions was I dun wanna her to wait that long for me, I know she doesn't like that. I couldn't leave my work too cos of my bosses were not around I'm suppose to look after the place.
And this wasn't the only occassion.

We talked about going to KL on Dec... and a few occassions too.... but because of some $ problems I have, sigh. All these really made me feel... lousy ya know. I can only say that I'm really fortunate to have met her and still have her as a good friend... though at times I really wish I could take up a step further. Dammit if I were more well off I'd go all out for her. Hardly can I find someone who I can get along so well despite the differences we have... and after seeing some of the people I've been through, really makes me appreciate her more. Things that I'm not so likely to tell her... hmm.

It's not gonna be a smooth year end for me, I can only look forward to 2009, that's when my apprenticeship finally ends and I'll starting going through a true working life. Very likely that I'll stay with Rolls-Royce, since I'm the type who stubbornly wouldn't budge when I found my comfort zone.

I think its time....

... to look at what I am going after really. Just moments ago, I found out that I'm just not ready to get into a relationship with anyone, in the most embarassing, unimaginable and possibly the most humiliating (to me) way. I become someone whom I thought I've kept locked for good inside me.... but it just somehow broke free and came out again. Basically.... I just broke down. I really did and I... simply have no words for it.

It's been about 3 years since I started looking at older ladies out there.... I think it's time that I take a break myself and re-discover what am I truly seeking. Or I should just not seek a partner and just... be alone for a while and let myself settle into the world around me once again. I now feel so silly to not heed the advices that were given to me all these years. Gosh, what did I land myself into.

I'll just live each day as it is... for now.

A truth about me

I am dating older women. Yes, many of you may have not noticed that until today. Why older women? Well it all started after my first ex-gf left me some years back. I went through a long period of depression, my self-esteemed went to an all time low and in that period, lost touch with my then best mate. Then just like that, I woke up and told myself I should just move on... something which yes, I should've done a long time ago. Comeon', that was my first experience, okay.

At that time I wasn't looking to get into another relationship, I knew I wasn't ready and just lived my live by the day. Self indulgence had never been so great. Some girls came and went... a bit of fling here and there that was as far as I went. Then I got tired of the girls of around my age, they just seem to be.... I dunno. Maybe I went through some form of transformation and found myself more interested in the adult working lifestyle. Days of having fun in groups, arcades, chalets and bbq.... not that appealing. And the girls... I really don't fancy the weird fashion trend. Japanese act cute "kawaii" pose... pui. That's when I decided to venture to the middle-aged ladies...

What I like about older ladies is that certain charm in them which seriously, I cannot find the words to describe. Poised, elegant, sophiscated... no more hard-charging young people lifestyle, I was looking for something slower and relaxed. Women in office wear and heels = sexy. Women in evening wear = gorgeous. You'd think that these people are just out there to seeking to settle down with someone... well maybe yes, but you'd be surprised that there are some who still have the kid in them and not afraid to show it. Those... well you can't really tell from the outside, right? You just gotta know them... getting to know them is the interesting part.

You see in this asian society, or this region or whatever.... men dating older women isn't really an accepted idea, unlike in the western. Chinese... being chinese... strongly believes that a man should always date a younger and youthful looking woman. Fuck that shit. Look at the trend these days... more and more guys are going for older women... but from what I see is usually for just a specific purpose... or need. And more are getting bolder and bloody cheeky too. They can just ask directly, like "do you want to go to a hotel tonight?" that kind of thing. WTF man.

The ladies themselves... well actually not all are that innocent too. All adults have their needs too... including women, right? Those who are more open would seek younger male companions too. Harder, stronger and last longer.... plus good looking for some, why not? But talking about getting into a relationship with one, takes more than just sweet-talking and boyish looks to work. Trust me.

I've heard of couples with big age gaps around... but how long they actually last being together, I'm not too sure about that. I now kinda find for me to go into a r/s with an older lady is like buying a car and taking a loan while you're earning an income which you can bearly survive. In a way, it's like I'm taking a step out of the door to get owned, when I know that's gonna happen to me. Really, sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing. I follow my heart most of the time and I live my life one day at a time... just taking whatever I can grab hold of. Maybe this is just a phase, I'll go back to getting someone who is around age... maybe I'll go for even older ones? Or I could just go single for the rest of my life... I can really imagine that. Me, successful, a house of my own and drive the car of my dream... but just without someone to share with. Sigh....

I'm beginning to get tired of being the nice guy that I am. I'm one who doesn't ask for much in return, but I can feel that.... I need something in return. For once, I wish I can show my attention and affection to someone, and receive the same in return.

Mah Birf-dae!

Usually in the past years, my birthday has always been just like any other day... nothing special or unique about it, not much celebration too. This 26th birthday of mine, sort of broke that combo haha. I didn't get any presents, but I received many well wishes, greetings and especially lunches and dinner for the past week and omg, suddenly I almost couldn't fit into my pants! It is scary... I am putting on so much weight than ever before. People have been telling that they have seen such a big change in size in me.... I really gotta do something about it. Well my IPPT window has past, obviously didn't pass... so the remedial training should be a good start to it lol...

On my birthday, I spent the whole day with her... someone who I thought I'd never see again. It was really great to spend the time with her, but eh.. ever since the day after my birthday, no word again. God knows why she did that again... but I'm just going to assume that work is keeping her real busy. As silly it may sound... I'll stay patient and wait till she appears again... however long it takes. If you ask me why would I do that.... I just can't give you an explanation. Somehow she's kinda special to me... one that I believe that I shouldn't let her slip away. Mmm....

The cake that she bought for me. Thank you for the wonderful time! :)

Another bombshell...

Some time after the last post, things somehow got a bit better. In fact actually, she didn't want to end contact, according to her she said those things while under pressure and thus the rash decisions. To me, I'm just glad that we're still in contact. We even had a :"bonus meet" just last Wednesday night.

Then just some 3 hours ago, in the middle of the night, she came online to tell me that she'd lost a lot during her majong session in her house. So much that she claimed that she won't be able to afford entertainment and leisure for the rest of the year. Then she went to say that she won't be able to meet me on my birthday and subsequent birthdays... in other words basically, we won't get to see each other again... for like almost forever.

Initially this came as a shock... because 1) out of the blue she came to tell me this in the middle of the night and 2) she lost like what appears to be a huge part of her savings in the game of majong. Then as I began to digest what's going on, some things don't make much sense. How can one be one lost so much money, until you're forced to forgo entertainment and leisure... for the rest of the year? If it's till the end of the month, that I can understand.... but for the whole year??? Can't possibly place her salary amount in advanced right? I asked if she had to own money to her majong friends and she said no. I mentioned that we don't neccessary need to spend money whenever we hang out and she replied that she wouldn't feel happy if she were to go out and restrict herself with the spending. Alright, for a lady this may be a serious issue.... but on that Wednesday night, I really do not recall seeing spend a single cent while she was with me, apart from the food we had in Cafe Cartel which I paid for it. It just doesn't add up.

The next thing was that ok, she loves majong and occassionally have friends over at her place or she goes to others. Majong is a game of luck and skill.... agreed. But if you know that someone is losing so much in the game, till a point that it's affecting his/her personal life.... do you still have the conscious to continue playing? Or would you advise that person to stop... if not you yourself back off from the game and stop the game altogether? I mean to continue playing, knowing that its like you're stealing luck from that person and making her go into a silent miserable state... is just fucking sick. Either her friends didn't know of her situation, or they're just sick people. At one part of time, she told me that I've couldn't believe that insane amount of bets those guys are playing with, I could come down and see it for myself. So I said yea, I'll come down. The next reply was, what was I gonna do when I'm there. Well obviously I would wanna see the huge bets for myself and ask if they knew that she lost so much in the games. Then she replied that she wasn't ready to open our relationship to the others and started to divert the attention to elsewhere...where she basically says that I don't understand. Alright I don't understand, coz her words are confusing and doesn't add up to many things. I called her instead and what I hear was an irritated voice of hers. To sum it up, she said that I was paranoid, acting childish, it wasn't the right time for her to explain and hung up on me.

Looking back now, I believed that compared to the previous incident, I had handled the situation much better than before. How was I childish? I was merely trying to find answers to fill up the missing pieces so that I can understand what's going on. Alright, maybe that was being childish of me to do that... but you can't expect me to take that lightly. At first I thought she was trying to pull my leg... throwing me such a bombshell. If she had knew me well enough, especially from that time when she threw the breakup, she would have known how I'd react to it. On that Saturday morning itself, she said that I could drive to her place that night so she could help me with the car wash... something which I was looking forward. Then during evening she smsed that her frens wanna hold a majong session at her place and asked to do the wash another time. Who wouldn't feel disappointed after hearing that... but because on that Wednesday night her fren had "jio" her out while she was with me... so it's only fair to return the favour. Thinking about it, this wouldn't have happened if she had declined the majong, right? But she's a majong freak... what can I say. In a way I feel really bad, like if only I had insisted that we meet instead and stuff... but according to her, that's not the point of the discussing, what happened has happened.... a similar phrase used when she broke up with me.

Really, I couldn't help but to think about this the whole night through. I did sleep... but I wished that it was forever. I dropped some message into her MSN, saying that I'm gonna leave her alone for a while until things cool down and that she's ready to explain what is really going on. Sigh... the best thing is I'd still forgive her. Gosh, why do I always fall for the .... argh nevermind.

A Great Chapter In My Life

It all started early this year, where I came to know this girl online. I never really expect myself to find a pleasant surprise out of this new person, but as we slowly got along, I could feel there is something special about her. It wasn't too long before we met for the first time and it was a great first meet. It may look kinda rushed, but soon after we got together. It was unusual for me coz, I haven't been in a relationship for a really long time... I have came across a few opportunities but I contemplated all the while, wasn't sure that I was prepared to commit again since my first ex. This time, to me, it felt like it was the right time and that I should go for it... and I'm glad that I did so. Although we don't get to meet much, but each meet was like special... the feeling of holding her hands and walking down the streets was something I haven't felt in years... a kind of assurance that makes nothing else matters, as long as I'm with her. No one's perfect and she's no exception, but she is someone who I can stare at the whole day and not get sick of it, not even one bit. Silly as it may sound, but it is like no definate word to describe how much joy she brought me, with just her presence.

But... it wasn't made to last. In some situations she couldn't handle it well as she had thought and that lead to a few not-so-good instances... but I forgave her and tried to talk her into sharing her problems. Age was one of the issue... I was alright with it, but she had doubts. In the end, she realised that she wanted to focus on her career instead... and going into a relationship now wasn't the best to do so. What really made me soft and a little confused was that she had her concerns on me too, that I should go for other girls of my age... I read that when girls say things like "it's not you, the problem lies with me " and other stuff, it means something else. I'm probably that dumb enough not to know what is it. I mean... how would you feel, if you were in my shoes, you're happily being with someone when suddenly she wants to end it all just like that? I know what I did, and I reacted to that in the most horrible way... so bad that I should shoot myself in the leg for even thinking about it. Sigh.

After some thoughts, it came through to me that yeah... maybe its not the right time to be together, but we can still be friends, right? Right....?

And then came the 2nd blow,

To end a relationship is one thing... but to end being friends and stop contact altogether is really a different matter. How am I to just forget someone, who is literally a part of my life, just like that? Especially when when there is no hatred involved? Even after she had threw all sorts of words to push me away, some even struck me in the heart, I just can't find a reason to hate her in any way. She said I was confused... but really I beg to differ. She is important in my life because of the impact she made on my life, when we were together... that's probably what she didn't know. I treasure my little circle of friends as they are almost like my lifeline... to lose any is really.... an unimaginably difficult thing to get through.

During the final moments with her in MSN, I poured out as much as I could the things I wanted to say to her.... for after that I'll be blocked in her list. I was close to tears, my fingers trembling slightly and feeling myself in a crushed state. Really... saying goodbye is the hardest thing I've ever gone through emotionally.

I couldn't stand the torture, so after that I called up my "24hr full time Aunt Agony", C. Can't help myself but to pour out my painful grievances and sorrows and whatever burning inside me... just glad to know that, even when it feels like the world is coming to an end, it's a wonder how a listening ear can calm the most turbulant minds.

Now thinking it all back.... I just I guess have to learn to accept what's coming to me now. I respect her decisions and maybe she's right, it's better this way. You know actually... since the begining of this year, I've kept every single SMS I've recieved in my phone.... including hers. Don't ask me why... a total of 1131 SMSes you ppl sent me. We didn't take a picture together somehow and I didn't have a picture of her in my phone.... but if there is something to remember her of, it's through these SMSes from her, from the first ever message she sent to me till the *sigh*... unpleasant last one. Heh... just scrolling through those earlier few brought great memories of us together... I will definately never forget her, as she did gave me the happiest moments in my life and I'm glad to have came across her in my life. "Knowing that my life will have to go one without you makes me sad" was one of the messages she wrote, likewise here... but she also said that time will heal everything... and finally after a long while, I agree with her. I am hopeful though, that I can one day hear or meet up with her again.... but..... well let's see what the future and fate holds.

Thanks for all your love, Aslyn. It's been great hanging out with you... one who I can never forget. Will love you always.