No title whatsoevaah...

mmm... just woke up. good nap... weather's just about nice. it was a repeat of yesterday's weather, a bright and sunny morning with a dull and cold afternoon. last night's duty was bad, the spot i was sleeping had ants walking about. a couple of times i could feel them biting at me. that's not all, it was freezing cold at around 3am. was wearing nothing but my uniform, thankfully had my so-called multi-purpose net scarf to cover my neck and hands. then throughout the night had to pee acouple of times before waking up and get picked up to go back. my lunch with my family... without my dad... was at this vegetarian resturant at orchard. they had this buffet lunch going on, so it was quite good.... so much that i actually ate a little to fast and got full too early. then went to Joh Little for a little shopping for my little niece... spent time there walking around aimlessly before heading home. had immediately knocked out on the bed once i got home. later gonna meet up with Dick, who just came back from his China trip.... had told me this morning that he had got me something which he said that i'd like it. i was like... wow. it's it a car? a good duplicate of the PS2? a bag of stolen cash he found at the airport? i wonder.... today had little thoughts about my sad self and her, but today's activites kept them at bay... more of such unplanned stuff please. saw my nov's duty scedule, a bit busy... i'll be serving my extra somewhere mid month... and it's a slack one phew. pay day coming this sat, can't wait. got a lot of things to put my $$ at, cable, cpf, phone bill... mum... i hope when i get my cable, it'll keep me at home and away from spending $$$, that's my best bet. hmm... noticed that other ppl's blogs are short and rathe simple, in comparison to my long and elaborate one. i don't really care, i type out whatever that's in my head, juat want them out. mine looks like a diary... what a minute isn't that what blogging is? *pauses to think*... doesn't matter. tomorrow's monday... a long one... laura laura, wonder what yer doin'...

Heavy rain, let hell flood loose...

yawn, sigh... zzz, that's what i did most of the time at home today. i hear a big thunderstorm coming, sounds really big... heh looking forward to it. i like to be out in the rain, under the umbrella but not get myself too wet. it's a big contrast from this morning's weather, i was sunny, bright and beautiful. and hot too. haha gave the impression that you can have a good time at the beach or something... well look at now! can imagine those fools out there scrambling to seek shelter and sulk haha... tomorrow my family's having lunch somewhere in town, to celebrate my mum's birthday. looks like i've already got the day planned... not sure what to do after that thought. hmm... last night i took my bro's car back to camp... it was the most awkward one ever. my bro and his wife were actually quarreling over the discipling of their child... right in front of me. what could i do? i can't just cut in and... calm things down or something. so i kinda kept quiet till i reached camp, after got out of the car... god knows what happened later. ooh it's raining right now.... not heavy, yet. i hope this raining would last till tomorrow, sounds impossible but would be cool to see everywhere flooded with water all over the place. about 10 more days till pay day, to me it's still a long long way to go...

A plain picture in my head, brings no thoughts but holds so much meaning...

Man, the weather today was really full of ups and downs... during the day it rained alot and the sun came out quite a number of times too... rigth now in the evening it feels a little chilly, maybe i can have a good cosy sleep tonight... sounds unbelievable when ya talking about sleep in camp huh... another long day, the morning part was a little hectic, i had to drive some guys to another camp for their training and i was running late, partly due to the fact that i was busy ensuring that i was doing some by-right stuff. once again i didn't spend a single on food, but still i actually ate quite a bit, thanks to one of the reservist guys who offered to treat me nasi lemak and a drink... ate that at noon. straight after eating, i drove some guys down who wanted to eat at the canteen... another guy gave me another lunch treat, for letting him join us down here. unbelievable, i actually didn't spend a lot this week! during lunch time, while we were having lunch, the guys were talking about patching up with their gf and stuff, almost all of them said that their relationship ended because of army... but most of them had got back together and patched up and stuff... this guy... that guy... then all eyes came to me. they asked,"hey when's your turn??" i didn't say a word, just smiled. indeed, those guys who got just back together with their gf looked happy and eager to talk about it... i bletantly smiled and so-called 'joined in' the conversation, but inside me... all i could think of was laura. it was just the image of her in my mind, no nothing about it, just a picture. i don't know why, but that was it. felt like it was instinctive, like when i hear anything to do with relationships, girlfriends etc... the first thing that appears in my head was her. guess that shows i'm still pretty much attached to her inside me. well anyway, the rest of the day i did quite a bit of driving, thankfully that's something which i love and can take away the troubles in my head for a while. the weekend's here, once again i'd probably spend a lot of time on the computer, either playing or tuning up or doing something to this machine which i pretty much depend a lot during this mid life crisis of mine. i'm begining to dislike going out, if seeing stuff which i'd love to get my hands on but can't afford wasn't bad enough, seeing couples would probably throw me into the middle of a busy expressway or off a tall building. was thinking of heading to the beach and just listen to music... would love some company but who? everyone's always busy one way or another... not sure being alone for a while is a good idea or not. well, we'll just see what this weekend says, coz i'm just sittin' heeah n waitin' fer somethin' to happen~~~

Today's life rating: 5/10

tick... tick... tick... and there goes another day. still feels really slow, but at least it was just ok. i didn't really have a good sleep last night, but before i slept i had a short conversation, on the msn messenger... via my handphone (yeah!) with a fren whom i haven't heard in a long while. it was great, feeling the joy of talking comfortably with someone. thanks Aisyah! towards the time before i was suppose to wake up, i kept waking up, cos of the mosquitoes and... don't laugh, my watch strap came off. i don't know how, but that made me search for the tiny parts for 5 minutes, before putting them aside and then back to sleep. nope could go back to sleep, darn mosquitoes buzzing by my ears. once again didn't eat much, i left my wallet in the cupboard... should have more of such 'accidents' to save my $$$... then in the afternoon drove a dog to jalan kayu, the dog Duco, who's damn overweight for it's size, had abrasions to his armpits... well that's becos he's so fat, that the skin kept rubbing each other and he kept stratching them. came home a little late, heavy traffic, very gloomy weather... can only rest like and hour and a half my bro IS already here and i wanna catch the ride.... all in all today was indeed rather... alright. 12 more days to pay day... hope i can last till then. wonder tonight i can talk to anyone, hmm we'll just see...

time... is... so... slow...

my mum had asked me when i came home, why i bother to come home when i have to go back to camp again later at night? well, sometimes i have to bring home my dirty uniform to wash, bring out fresh new ones... actually i just felt the need to simply let out. everytime i come home, i switch on the computer and get online, hoping that i've got mail from anyone... but most of the time i don't. except for today, got a message from my neighbour living upstairs... he agrees that our block doesn't have any babes at all haha... did quite a bit of driving today, heard that tomorrow gotta send a dog to Jalan kayu animal clinic for some treatment or whatsoever... my guess would be me who's gonna drive there. well if so, hope that my veh commd. listens to english radio stations, that yes 93.3 gives shit to my ears. nowadays gotta find a way to put my mind off depressing things... like my so-called outside camp frens... while taking the bus home. radio ain't working, playing games on the phone gives me headache... and dun talk about reading anything too. maybe it's inevitable, that i HAVE to go thru this mentally depressing and demoralizing phase, to sort of ' make me stronger' or ' be better prepared in the future' blah blah blah... i haven't even planned or have the slightest idea of what i really wanna do in life, that car thing it's only a fantasy... how i'm gonna really live it's... gah i don't know. sigh... so what's next? i'm gonna go online one last time, then i'm gonna pack my stuff and go back to... camp... and sleep... and wake up the next day and watch the time go by ever so slowly.... i feel so... non-existant, the only times where i'm wanted is in camp where the guys need a driver to send them here, there... THAT'S the only attention i have. it sucks to have little $$$ and it sucks to have ppl that don't give much of a fuck about you. it's even worse when you have 2 of those happening in one's life at the same time.... sigh what's new for me...

A strange tale...

Ok this sounds weird, but... today felt rather ok. No it's not that, i actually felt glad to be back in camp... but it's only for a while. did't really felt lonesome, except while taking the bus home... that i can't help it. it's great that have the guys around in camp, we probably need each other, just that we don't admit to it or just oblivious to that fact... anyway, last night was erm, a little tiny wild. there was actually another food party, this time they came prepared when it came to the drinks. someone actually brought in red wine... out of place but nevertheless it still has alcohol, that's all they need. i, couldn't help but to join in the 'fun', ended up my face really... well not really, red and hot... heart pumpin' like mad and wooo! haven't had volka shots in a long while. sleeping after that was kinda... different. couldn't immediately fall asleep with my pulse beating so loud and fast... hmm, before those guys came, i came back to camp earlier... hung my uniform at the bed, attached my pass to it and slotted in my pen in the front pocket, after that i watched tv at the table in the centre... when all of a sudden, i heard something dropped. i turned around and saw my pen on the ground. then i looked at my uniform... then back at the pen. How the fuck did that pen drop onto the ground, when it was slotted right into the pocket?! there wasn't anyone walking around, just a few of the guys sound asleep. took me a while to try and figure it out, then i just brushed it aside and put back the pen and back to the tv. Freaky... oh then at around midnight, while we were going to sleep, heard this loud swooshing sound. we initially thought it was someone upstairs moving the cupboard, but inside me i swear it was something else, sounded like a plane flying by really really fast. next day found out that the building next to the cookhouse, which was near our block, its centre portion had collapsed. it was a really old unoccupied building... gee i dunno. mmm dinner time, didn't eat much today, man i couldn't.. after last night's stuff... *shudder* no more, please i would not be able to resist it urgh....

why the f**k did i take off today...

A real monday blues today, even the weather says it so. Sky overcasted most of the time, raining a while ago.. and i'm just here, wasting my life away on the computer. this morning i was woken up early by my shift guys, they had thought that i was gonna pick them up. i didn't answer the phone, just put it aside and tried to go back to sleep. i spent the entire day, right here in my room, right in front of my computer, do games, cleaning up the hard drive, tweaking a little and checking out the wonders of what my phone can do on the net. Clara, my niece, was being quite a nuscience today, my dad's voice as well... once again thoughts crawled back into me and tried to fight it off by gluing my eyes to the screen, concentrating on playing games. man, my eyes hurt now... i somehow guessed that laura went clubbing last night... was actually sort of waiting online to see come back. really i don't know why i did that... but hope you had a real good time yesterday, just hope that's she safe and sound now. no duties for me the whole week till sat... someone used me to take over his duty on that night. no complains for me, not like i have anything planned or to look forward to on that day... now wondering should i leave the house early to take long bus ride to jurong point and walk around or take my bro's car straight to camp much later... also lately have been eating a lot, maybe it's my way to put off mind things... definately not healthy... the world around me doesn't seem to move, yet the hands of the clock keeps on ticking... second by second, why does no one notice me anymore? i want to feel wanted again... *head resting on palm*

Happy 19th Birthday to Laura

ahh... it's been a while, having a hot drink... here late at night, on the computer... the day went quite... just like that. no meeting up with anyone, no contact with anyone, no one even replied my messages... begining to wonder who they see me as? in the end i went out, alone as usual... cloudy thoughts running around my head and stuff... it's laura's birthday today, just feels so... different. can't really explain it, it's just that kind of feeling. she'd be out with her frens today, i guess she deserve a good celebration time with them... finally. also if we had still been together, it would've been 4 straight years together. just the thought of that kills a small part of me inside, but there's really nothing much that i can do. throughout the day i wondered, why am i so dependant on just one person? i tried to recall my past childhood to see of any link to this... and realized, when i was really young, i used to play with this neighbour kid all the time... i guess he was my only fren back then, gosh why do i have a sad childhood life. i grew up to be this guy i am now, with this character, these habits, frankly speaking i'm not really that proud of myself. yes i do always try to see things on the other side point of view, but the positive effects, regardless how good they are, will always wear off and it's back to square one. i can't be born as a very depressive person, right? right now i really wanna know what i need in life... is it a someone? i've always imagined myself having this real close female fren, whom we grew up together, confided my inner heart matters and none of my frens know about her. Hmm.. sometimes i wished that i was a christian, so that i can go to church everyday and confess and confess and confess... sit alone in the hall and asking God what i should do. at the same time i'm just afraid that if i keep pouring out my feelings to someone, he/she will get sick of it and i don't know... what do i need? what do i need... love? attention? car??? i suppose it's safe to say that i'm lacking all 3 of them... gosh why does no one contact me, asking how am i once in a while, asking wanna hang out... apart from Dick... what is it about me that puts them off?? is my character that such of a ... turn off? everyday i put up with this brave front, acting so-called 'cool and calm' look... or some would say a 'bo chap' look, ah i don't know. hmm... btw last night did that little celebration with laura at her place, at the pavilion where we had first got really close together... 1 day before we got together, urgh... i didn't managed to get any present for her, but she said it was alright... it was really great to see her again, haven't changed much at all... the happiness inside me... short-lived cos she had to go. i wish i could tell her that i still miss her so much, but that something that she doesn't want to hear... and i dont want to give her anymore trouble with those words... it's something which i, no matter what have to accept. may happiness bestow her always and may God please help me..

long weekend... still nothing planned...

urgh.. ouch... oww... my arms and back, now aching. i don't really know why... but just doing some pull-ups and push ups yesterday morning can't do that much damage... yesterday i was all ou tired... ohoh the night before was fun. there was this "food party" thingy going on in my barrack, i didn't had much $ so i said that i'd chip in the the drinks. man it was quite a bit... but actually still not enough in the end. there was loads chicken whings, nuggets, this fried sambal squid thingy, carrot cake, fishballs and spring rolls... wah lau that night was a total sin. someone even bought in vodka, mmm. while we guys we eating, there were actually 2 guys sleeping, one of them the newbie we called him "Bigfoot", cos his boot size were enormous and his huge in size.... and he's a monsta when it comes to eating. we were jokingly worried whenever we see him move, when he does that one of the guys would say,"off the lights!" and then the other would hume the tune of Lullaby. gosh it was funny man. because the food was so-called 'not enough', there was talks about actually driving the rover outbase to get more... and naturally all looked at me. no way man... not ready for such stunt yet. in the end slept at about 12 plus... and the next day damn tired lah. got a feeling that more of such things would come... got to reeeally lose the weight and gain that strength man. then last evening came home, went on the computer for a while.... then got too tired and went to bed early. sigh.... still haven't get the prezzie... now thinkin should i get it or not... think i will. tonight will see how things go... not sure she'd want to see me or not... hmm...

shag day!

another day has ended. my 3 extras, disappeared. tonight some food party going on in the barracks. this morning the fat man said i took away the punishment cos, it was thought that his instructions on the deployment timing was unclear, which was damn true. so yep, consider myself lucky, again! but that 1 extra still stands... in the afternoon did some dog baiting training... fuckin' shag man! my hands were shaking after the thing, and even my body was shaking a little while i was peeing. came home in the evening, let out a good shit, relax! but only for a while, later hoping to catch a free ride back to camp via my bro's car. running really low on $, not sure whether to borrow from my mum... hmm no choice i guess. i've yet to get that present for laurie! sigh....

all those extras out there! keep rollin', rollin', rollin'....

my my... looks like this hasn't been my day. i've been awarded 3 more extra duties, and for what? "not setting my priorities". last night i was doing outbase duty, only came back the the hell place at about 6:50am. didn't know i had to go deploy a dog down to the entrance by 7am... in the end reached there at 7:15 and my IC was there waiting. there he was like fucking about why so late and all that shit... i got a bit nervous and blurted out that i was doing my dog's treatment (which i didn't of course) apparently that made things worse and viola, 3 extras, my shift IC got 3 too... for not ensuring. shit system right??! men fuck up, shift ICs are to suffer too. so altogether i've got 4 extras, yep that 1 was for leaving the keys in the vehicle. i think i can feel the heat coming on real fast... got a hunch that i'm gonna get a dog bite soon. shit man, this ain't funny. once that other guy returns from the driver course, man... i better pray for myself. But there's another thing, i was told that i'm actually good... that's a first. that fat black officer actually said that i was good... then went on mentioning that i'm beginning to slack and all that shit... guess next month is gonna be one hell of a month... after i left came, went to Ikea to find that prezzie for someone... damn didn't know it cost THAT much... might have to borrow some $ from someone... sigh the rest of the this i'm doing 8-5, not much free time to spend at home... fuck fuck fuck fuck.... laura's birthday's coming... still thinking should i do that dumb little surprise for her... i'm not suppose to bug her at all but... she was someone close to me and still a fren of mine and.... urgh. if i try to do something, i always fuck it up. if i dont do something, i'll end up regretting alot and she'd probably feel upset too cos i'm not doing anything and she'll feel confused as i am and yadiyadiyahdiyah.... ARRGHHH!!!! ok at least i got all that out of my head for a while. time for dinner....

Want some good sleeeeep man...

mmm. just woke up from afternoon sleep... gosh feelin' so.. 'sigh!" last night didn't manage to sleep properly, kept tossing... cou;d feel that i was semi conscious thru-out the whole night.... it was raining somemore, yet still couldnt settle down. sigh still feeling groggy... oh late last night she called... to actually apologize for whta she had said to me in the net 2 nights ago. i told me i was okie already... chatted just a little while then hung up.... called aghain to tell me that Who';s Line was on, but i didn't have tv was really tired... really didn't expectr her calls last night... hmm..

day out with my guys

yesterday went to queensway with some of my guys... get prezzie for the birthday man and got clothes for out poor guy who had never owned a pair of jeans in his life.... evening went to shawn's 21st bday buffet dinner at his house, damn good. went home, happened to confront the past... let's just say i don't wanna talk about it. gonna go out real soon... just hanging around and being with myself for a while.

it's all about the $$$

guess what?? i've just earned myself my first extra duty just this morning. why? all because for leaving the keys to the dog van in the vehicle itself... nevermind that. it was more of my head IC being at the wrong place and at the wrong time. yesterday had half day cos got duty at night, so went home in the afternoon. that day there wasnt any drivers present, and my IC had to happen to want the dog van to be moved somewhere, volunteered to drive the van himself and couldn't find the keys to it cos i left them in the van, when i'm not supoose to . darn. well nevermind, no one's perfect. last night's duty was somehow... as usual, not easy to sleep. there was a PC visit at about 1am and i was preparing to make my presence to him when, thru the comms. set, se somehow stopped somewhere in the middle and stayed there for about half hour or so. i was like waiting and waiting... cos i don't like to last minute get myself up and my gun and flashlight... then i heard, ok he's coming out again.... huh still no sign of him. about an hour later i simply couldn't care less than myself wanting to take that snooze. later in the morning had some new form or training, practicing changing the magazine while attending to an intruder alert. pure erm... tiring man. many of the guys stumbled on getting the rifle up and loading the magazine... i wasn't spare either. came home just after noon, what a great feeling to be home so early. last night actually smsed her, heard from her that she's currently studying for papers. after her exams she's gonna plan to have a trip to thailand with her friends... well if she's really going, just hope that she'll be ok and that her friends better take care of her... she said that she'll still be busy during the holidays, with filming and stuff... kinda reminds me of what she had mentioned before that i'm the closes and most comfy to be with out of her whole circle of frens. obviously she having a better time with her school ppl... and probably already finding someone new... yeah nowadays i'm with better terms with my shift guys, this sat after the guy's dinner they're planning to go to Devil's Bar... really not sure about that. if i were to follow them, then my plans for her next sat would be like... on the line. sigh if only i can find friends who i don't have to spend much $$ to hang out with... why is it that going out with frens have to be spending $ on that food, movies, entertainment... really man, in this world, it seems like if you ain't got the $, you ain't got life... and frens. i really hate that. i mean even if i'm a millionaire, yeah i'd splurge on myself on cars and modding and ya... spending so much money on frens... ya it can yield a lot of fun and closer ties... but it feels like i'm buying their friendship with money. not that i'm saying she's like that... but if only she can see the way how i feel about friends... since i've got a feeling that she'll be busy with her stuff tomorrow, guess i'm most likely to attend my fren's dinner... free food, why not...

Being with friends = spending precious $$

man...last night went out with a couple of my shift mates to jurong point, i dunno what they had in mind at first but i just tagged along cos so many were going... end up eating soul garden... which was much much more than i expected. blew 20 bucks on this... sigh... but it was good, the guys were funny, especially one of the new guys who was with us, that big, tall freak, eating red meat all the time, gobbling food like a machine and eating.... with his bare hands man! he's an animal... a barbarian! gosh there was one time the others guys saw him did something and i laughed and i couldn't stop laughing.. and i was full at the time ok! man... today i was lucky to be home right now, cos actually i was suppose to do the dog deployment at 5 today, then later drive the new guys up to dog sect at 7 for night training.... and then go for duty later at night. Crazy right?! thank goodness the deployment someone else is doing, and the night training is postponed till tomorrow night... phew. so far still no nothing from her today, makes me wonder is she waiting for a message from me too? can't be... whenever i say good night, she just replies the same. many times wanted to drop a call, but always i end up having nothing to say and making a fool out of myself. really wanna see her one day, can say i kinda miss her. then again she could be really busy with school, or with someone else. hmm... this weekend one of my shift guys is holding a buffet at his place, not sure whether to go or reserve that night in case she's free... many times i 'let go' my free time waiting for her... mm why am i such a sucker. feels it'a a little too early to decide... will just wait and see. just came to mind that dick's going to china (hahaha) on the 23rd for a week... or so. nah... i think i'll be ok. got my computer here, can blog as much as i want, as long as i just maintain it... nowadays me keeping in touch with this fren studying in aussie, miss those wacky conversations i used to have when i was with her... ohhh gotta stop thinking too much... dammit it's going to be 4pm soon, need to sleep, yet i still wanna be on the computer... sigh don't have much of a choice...

i'm back!

my gosh... how long as it been since i last updated this?? yep, apparently my computer is back up and running... all i had to do was to replace the bloody monitor. thought the hard disk had problem just before the monitor blew, then again i guess it was the monitor which caused that error message. anyway bought a 2nd hand 15" monitor, looks like new, and bought a monitor cooling kit too, in hopes of making this one last looonger. the past few weeks, erm months actually, as usual my work in camp taking up most of my time, still my thoughts would wander off elsewhere. most of my friends are currently 'busy', at least that's what i hear from them whenever i talk to them or so. recently i haven't heard much from my erm... ex, been hearing alot from her that she had stuff to do. yeah i believe her, end of semester coming and things due.... but always the excuse of "stuff the do"? whenever i tried to call to see how's she's doing, she always, or rather most of the time, she's with her friends, never elaborating what she's doing. yeah i know she is not obligated to so-call 'report' to anyone, this just kinda annoys me. i dunno, maybe this is just another something new, give it some time and maybe it'll grow in me. i haven't seen her in a while too, was supposed to meet her last weekend, or so i planned... was gonna give her that kenny rogers treat i promised to her for passing the advanced test, but my intuition proved me right that she already had that from someone... nah let's not put it that way... she couldn't wait. well sorry for dragging it for so long, i was waiting for her to have that free time for that dinner and all of a sudden, there. don't know whether she intended to tell me later, but doesn't matter now. her birthday's coming, got some simple plan to surprise her... just not sure whether my now downgraded creativity still has it's charm. she told me she's filming on that night, most probably her friends are gonna celebrate for her first... well i'm not the closes to her anymore... can't complain on that... hmm just realised that i wrote a lot on her... kk let's change for a while. oh, got my first ever bee sting last sunday morning while on duty. i had 2 understudy and had just finished teaching them the by-right stuff and were sleeping... at about 3 plus i felt something on my left wrist, i woke up and i saw this little thingy attached to my wrist, just below the watch line. then i saw a bee on the ground nearby, crawling in circles. then i felt a slight pain and then i realised oh fuck, that freakin' bee stung me! just 1 lone bee ok, and it had to be me and not those 2 fat guys sleeping like loud pigs beside me. i took out the sting and the pain intensified... so i applyed some tiger balm to it. i did tried to squeeze out something from it, nothing much and slowly the bite looked like a mosquito bite. later in the morning it got swollen a bit and man, it felt uncomfortable. now it's alright, just one little red spot there. never thought i'd get a bee sting in my life... oops it 8pm now, my bro's coming soon to pick up clara and me wanna catch that free CAR ride... urgh work and life sucks..++