my entire day outdoors

god, i'm beat man! well actually not really, just that my day at driving ended quite late, around 9pm... thank goodness i managed to find someone who lived near where i stay, so got to hitch a cab ride to celementi. at the same time i was also rushing home to watch friends on tv, but there was bus delays here there... and laura called to tell me that tonight's episode was the one which had scene with rachael and joey that made her laughed so much! i managed to catch the begining part of the show in the bus.... but while running back to my house, she called again to tell me that the scene was on! urgh! reached home just a few minutes late, dang... but still watched the rest of the show through... funny!
heh.. a bit distracted there... today was my x-country training at this place called Lor Asrama... near the mandai zoo. seriously, i never thought singapore has such vast forest... and this area is under the army. from the higher ground all you can see around is trees, forest... and no buildings at all. felt... different. anyway the training wasn't that spectacular... only the x-country driving itself was fun. :op although the route we were suppose to take was very very short (like 1 round around this area the size of.... 2 football fields?), the road was woo! lots of pot holes, bumps, very steeep slopes... and the ride was woohoohoo! had to travel slow cos... you can't possibly dash across such uneven terrain just like that! although the speed was slow, but the bumps and rocking along the way was like so vigourous, at one point during my drive my phone popped out of my pocket and fell and broke its casing really bad... that goodness i was using the already bad casing phew! fun fun... oh and at night had this night drive using night vision goggles, was terrrible man! firstly i was the last guy of the detail and there was so cock up in the detail in front of mine. then when it was my turn, the goggles didn't fit well and the lenses fucked up and i couldn't see well cos everything was brightly... blur. the make matters more interesting, the trainer was already fed up with the earlier guy and apparently with me too. in the end managed to drive my way back and got thru it... phew. oh... and today had an unexpected message from a long lost fren from my sec sch, wee so happy to get in touch again :O) *yawn* ok getting sleepy now and already it's late and need to go to sembawang again tomorrow.... another islandwide driving wee.... although quite unlike, but i hope to take the 5tonner again. :op today seemed alright, didn't see it coming, but yet unexpected and... good. :)

my sunday...

me and my mum 

didn't feel like writing much today... well anyway in the morning went to suntec city that fountain of wealth there with my mum for this vesak day thingy going on there... had to go cos my mum didn't know how to get there. to tell ya the truth, i'm not really into buddhism, just felt that i was made to go thru all these and ended up one. food there was ok, and after that, accompanied my mum to the bus stop and sent her off. i went back to suntec carrefour and bought some brownie mix... had thought of making some since i've got nothing to do... ok to be honest, was thinking of making some and sending it over to laura. got home, started making... my first batch was horrible cos i didn't cover the top and it got burnt quickly... and it tasted rather 'cakey'. the 2nd lot made it thicker and it looked better so i assumed it was... so packed some for her, asked her whether she's home and went over. along the way i kept saying to myself, dun put my hopes on too high on anything, dun hope for anything at all... just pass it to her and go. but... apparently when she came out to meet me, she was carrying her house key, phone and... my atm card. that kinda meant something... anyway, somehow she knew that i wanted to like ask to go sit up at the garden... and while up there, while i was talking, she kinda had this 'you're wasting my time' body language and i was like... what am i doing. really... i just don't know why i'm doing all these... i just couldn't tell her what i was really feeling cos i know, that if i do so, i am gonna mess up everything like i always do. but... seeing her gave me some sense of... well at least i'm not forgotten. we said good bye and while i walking back, i kept scolding myself why why why am i so fucking stubborn to change... i was really holding back my tears when i hugged her... but while walking home i just couldn't bear to not let out... everything that i do, for others, for myself, for everyone and everything... just doesn't seem right. had tried to call some ppl to talk it out but no one answered... and i just found out and forgot that emmy's in ireland now... and i thought she was ignoring me like the others... sigh. oh did i mentioned that i actually talk to laura at 4plus in the morning? it was just a short chat about the movie we had watched, a little catching up... and after that i was feeling glad that i had finally talked to her in such a long while... yah. till now i still couldn't find anyone to talk to... they all kept telling me that i have to fight this myself yadiyadiya... what i feel is that i need FRENS to TALK to... god it's so fuckin' hard to trust ppl these days... gonna end here really, not in the mood for anything at all... just wanna forget things... *covers his face*

*big exhale*

well... a few hours ago met up with dick and went to watch shrek 2, had to put my mind off to somewhere for a while... man it was realy funny, at same time the story plot reminded me of some things.... after the show both of us went walking around orchard, literally. i didn't tell him how i was doing the whole time cos i dun wanna get him upset and pissed at me bcos of this... didn't talk much at all the whole time. walked round orchard then to PS then... to esplanade then to one fullerton then to cifford pier then... went home. oh before i met up with him, was at borders reading stuff... came across the motogp book about the recent season. had no idea that Dijiro Kato, one of those young rising stars, had died from a bad racing accident. that shocked me... and also found out that valentino rossi, one of my favourite racing idols... the one who always races on that no.46 bike (who also rode the nastro azzuro nsr500 which she had bought the model for me as a present sigh), is leaving Team Honda after a great 4 year partnership. in the book he said that he thanked the team blahx3... but felt that he already did his best for the team already and now wants to find new challenges. and that got me thinking... should i like follow his footsteps? this somehow applied to her too... val also said that he hate to leave that no.1 bike, which he had treated her as his girlfriend, he rode and worked on for so long and hates to see her land in some other ppl's hands... now that applies to me. sigh now my mood is still swinging up and down, up and down... i kinda feel like what i need is a small bunch of ppl who i can hang out and be there to be my listening ear to problems... she had been there for me for so long and i guess she's tired of it already. i just want her to be happy in the end, but still it's so hard for me to let it go. i would still change and do things for her... cos seeing her enjoy and being happy makes me happy... and i missed being special to someone, the feeling of you're that one who she looks to, the one who is there for her... you know that feeling? now its like i'm there for no one, like why am i here for. so long the time has past, guess there's still a reeally long way to go... so many times i felt like calling her, but i can't... can't afford to make another stupid mistake and can't make her worry about me... and i can't intrude her life just like that... man every weekend i go thru this shit... can't set my hopes too high on anything... before i met her i was suffering so much being alone, i really don't wanna go thru this again! do i need someone in my life? the way things going now and that no one's been talking much to me kinda says so... gosh do i look that horrible and unapproachable? hmm... and these days i can feel that i'm slowly getting sick, hope it happens AFTER my course... *tears coming out from my eyes*

keep me company for even just a few hours, someone?

just came back home not long ago, just did the islandwide driving. today drive is like all 12 of us driving, the extra one from i dunno where. so it's split into 2 groups, 1 group consist of the 5 tonner which will lead the way, 2nd behind following is the rover and following up last is the 3 tonner. everyone had to complete 50km, so basically one drive up to there, the other drives back. we were suppose to drive the same route as the day b4 during our first taste of the 5 tonner, but there at changi naval base today having open house, so no no there. instead we drove along the east coast to this big car park place at fort road, which is near benjamin sheares bridge. i was lucky enough the drive the 5 tonner for the very last time it think, and drove the first half of the route. unfortunately bcos i'm the first one to lead the way and guide the others where to go, can't do much of any stunt or whatsoever... plus there was i trainer beside me. sigh... so the whole 1 hour plus journey, just sitting there, holding the wheel, listening to my radio and yah. though sounds boring but hey, i still love driving no matter what. :op the return trip i exchanged with another guy and took the passenger seat in the rover... 50km/h in that seemed so much slower. reached back camp b4 noon and went home after that... sigh weekend lone blues growing in me. dick however did msged me saying that he'll only be able to join me in watch shrek 2 after dinner... but then again i'm still not sure whether i still wanna watch it or not... now just had lunch and wondering what to do... everyone else not free and stuff... and it's not as if i didn't try! man, it's so tough to try and live life like this when ppl around you just don't seem to give a damn about me. well, if this is what fate wants me to go through, then all i can do is give him the big motherfuckin' finger and live with it. sooo unfair... *sulks*

oh the weekend's here... so what?

it's raining outside, thunder and lightning happening every few minutes... weather's cold and the mood damp... and that's how my mood now is. more on later, yesterday yesterday... didn't write coz fell asleep at about 9plus... missed this show missed that show sigh. then woke up at about 1 to realise it and went back to sleep. yesterday was at sembawang camp, had no idea why i was told report to there cos there was no news about it, but we found out that it on that day was the intro to the *drum roll*... The 5 tonner MAN truck! wow when i heard that i was so excited... one of the reasons why i wanted this course was to get to drive that big and powerful truck! i we did! oh boy... we got to drive the truck to seletar camp, then to changi naval base... actually stopped at this newly built SAF Yacyt club, some exclusive clubhouse for ns people. it's pretty cool, great location just by the sea... but not quite completed though. oh and the location, too damn far in. now the journey from sembawang camp to seletar camp to here was about 50km and 2 guys in my group took turns to drive to here. now in my group at that time were 3 guys, those 2 malays and me.... so for the return trip, i was left to drive all the way back to sembawang, all 50 clicks. so in the back of the truck, those 2 malays sleeping or doing whatever in there, and in the cabin, me and my trainer. the starting off of the truck was fannnn-tastic... the truck's automatic, air-conditioned and the seat, amazing. the V10 turbo diesel engine can really outrun almost any car out there from the lights... till about 55km/h where the bloody speed limiter kicks in. from then on no matter how much you press the accelerator, the bugging device cuts the power to reach just 55km/h max. on the normal roads that seems ok, but when i got onto the expressway which made up most of the journey, omg it's like i'm travelling in a snail among the traffic which all just whizzes by me. ^&*#!%!! but nevertheless, it was an experience... cos i ain't gonna drive such a truck ever... cos there ain't any 5 tonner in my freakin' camp sigh. BUT i've still got 1 more chance at driving it and that's tomorrow, where i'll being doing my islandwide driving. gonna pull any stunts possible man!
today reported back to the SDC(saf driving circuit) for x-country training and advanced skill driving, where i drove the trucks and rovers up simulated platforms, some which are like at 40 degrees angle (whoa!), simulated narrow bridge and uneven terrain. the only highlight of the day was the skid drive, where you're suppose to drive the rover over the wet skid pad and jam the brakes... the idea was to tell you that this is what happens if you speed and in an event of an emergency, there's pretty nothing much you can do if you skid your vehicle. it just goes straight no matter what you do even after you brake hard. we i wasn't interested in that, was more into trying to do some wild stunts. :op cos hey, this is the only time and place where you can induce your vehicle you're driving into a skid and feel how's it like to drive fast... this is as close as you can get to doing a drift like what you see in racing or the movies! each guy gets to go 3 rounds, by right the 1st you go at 30km/h, next 40 and the 3rd, 50 and steering the car to either side while skidding. i just didn't care, i simply floored the accelerator, drove as fast as the gear could allow and drove close to the edge of the pad. when i reached it, jammed the brakes, the rover skidding towards the outside of the pad, the front right wheel made contact with the rough concrete outside and my rover went into a crazy 180 degrees turn to a stop! i tell ya, it was AWESOME! i can never really explain how it felt like, it's just damn good! the 2nd also did the same... but the 3rd, oh yeah! b4 entering the entrance road to the pad, i did a wider turning to maintain a faster exit speed after the turn. b4 i completed the final turn, i floored the gas and off i go... had tired to reach 3rd gear but somehow it was difficult, nvm slammed back to 2nd and get back that bit of loss speed... jammed that brakes, tire made contact and whoa! violent but oh-my-f**king-god more than 180 degrees turn! the trainer beside smiled, and i not just smiled, i grined :oD will never forget this experience.
after 5 we all were dismissed and going home... somehow the sad reality of being alone just sets in. while everyone were in the weekend mood, i could not dread any more than that. couldn't find people to go out cos some studying, going out with others, simply wouldn't reply my messages or calls... and i think dick's a little tired of seeing me. all the way back home my mood was just simply low, everyone was a tired of hearing me talk about myself and i don't really have anyone to... let out. came home and my mum was pissed at the ignorant clara, so she's out too. watched tv and.... sigh now doing this. knowing that i have to go thru this over and over again is like, not really helping me but again... life is such... like what ppl in the army say,"lanlan, stuck thumb" well my thumb ain't that tasty ya know and i ain't interested in sucking anything that resembles that or banana or whatever... the feeling that you're no longer special to anyone is like as if you're non-exsistant in this world... good in a sense that no one will bother whatever you're doing... but at the same time is a problem as well. been trying to contact lost frens, phone, snail mail, online search... so far no improvement and the current ones that i have, they were there for me for a while... and now they're back to their own lives. god why am i born with this anti-social aural glow built around me... ok this is not fate, just bad luck. why bad luck?! argh better stop asking myself... hmm still having that strong feeling for that someone, the need to do something about it, but have been messing it up... confused confused. at least she's still doing fine and having a great time out there, a little peace for me. sigh, this would be the time that i would really want a cat on my lap, reading and seeing my type all these... and i'd be talking to him... imagining that i'm holding Buddy, the black cat with that white spot on his chest and with 2 white hind feet... who lives down at my void deck heh... gosh i really have no idea what to do after my drive tomorrow, i pray that something unexpected-ing good comes my way, please please please... *clutches hands together -_-*

exciting wednesday

oh boy.... so sleepy but feel the need to write... *yawn* morning didn't start too well... then noon my mum wanted me to accompany her to change some currencies and have lunch at some vegetarian resturant. after that my mum had to go to clementi, while i went walking around... from bugis, past bras basah, past city hall, all the way to funan. found nothing there so went back to city hall and took a bus to orchard. went to kino to read magazines and books... but shortly after lost mood, so went down to cold storage to get some snacks. sigh feeling real sleepy, can't think well. oh then while on the way back home, laura 'accidentally' called my number, was trying to call someone else i suppose. after hearing voice felt like mmm... even though she only mentioned some words. shit need to sleep... so went back home, wrote some letters to lost frens, watch tv and now here. tomorrow have to sembawang camp to report, guess it's the start of the training ops. okok cannot take it already... it's only 10plus but i really can't think straight now.... sigh..

wednesday start

just woke up... couldn't sleep anymore, now too much time in hand. last night did something which made me depressed all over again, me and my itchy hands. everyone said that this ain't gonna be easy at all getting over all these, and there're still many many more to come. i sigh at the thought of that...feels like my life is slowly degenerating. i couldn't sleep and didn't feel like eating and no one was available to talk... about this. can't always go to the same person right? felt like i shouldn't pass the test and get this day off, it's pretty useless for me. fell asleep on the couch in the living room, woke up at 5 to move back to my room cos don't wanna let my mum see... nowadays kept thinking of what my mum said about the palm reading that we had long time ago, she said remembered the reader saying that i'm not the type of people who tries just a few times to get things done, it'll take me many many times for me to do so... so i can't just give up just like that. hmm during this part of my life i'm feeling really empty, no carrot dangling in front of me, no reason to chase anything, no exciting events to keep me distracted... hmm maybe today i'll go out taking pictures of where i went and what catches my eyes. oh boy... my driving course is ending soon and i'll have to go back to working with those late night duties... i don't really have the drive to really move on yet, the motivation to persue what i want, a driver with no destination.... i'm just letting it out, just letting it out....

j'ai passé mon test de conduite d'armée (i passed my army driving test:oD)

okie... this is set to be a reeeally long one. let's start with I'VE JUST PASSED MY ARMY DRIVING TEST! yeah... man the test itself was crazy, but somehow i was one of the 9 people out of the about 30 who took the morning test who managed to pass... really i felt that luck was on me on this. before the actual test,about an hour like that, i was like starting to feel pressure of the situations which i was gonna face. before the testers came, we had the oppotunity to test the vehicles first... and when it ended, i didn't got anywhere near those trucks! then when the testers came, there was a short brief... then the first 6 were sent. i was among the first 6 and i was like 'whoa'. it was good to be first cos if i pass, wee! at the same time bcos i was first and it was during the morning peak traffic, many unexpected things can happen out there, and that is NOT good. so i went anyway, and the route i went was like full of narrow roads and i was told to drive into some unknown area which i never before! there were a couple of times i made some minor mistakes, regarding lane crossings, signalling, hazards blah x3... it was seriously nerve wrecking. throughout the test i tried to keep my cool, relax myself on the steering wheel while stopping at junctions... pretend to check my mirrors as often as i can... all the way back to the camp. the end part was to park my truck into the lot he chose, and i did just that... almost perfectly! after saying that i'm done, he then sumed up his assessment on me and told me that i chalked up 10 demerit points, just 1 point below failure! i was like 'WHOA!!! me lucky son of a bitch!' the tester also cautioned me to be more careful out there and that was it. I don't give a fuck about what he said or the mistakes i made, i PASSED! oh yeah! at that time i was like i think the first or 2nd guy to pass so far, made me feel so 'yeah, i AM that good!' so after me, only about 7 other guys passed and after lunch, we got our off pass and out we go! don't have to go back there tomorrow, but still have to come back for course at somewhere else. at that time i was feeling so accomplished, i messaged practically everyone about my test... (rude interruption: laura was the first person i messaged :o|) and everyone congratulated me... made me feel so... nice. :o) all these kept up until while halfway back to home, started thinking of what to do during this well deserved free time, and i couldn't think of anything and so... again my thoughts drifted to what i could've been doing with or for that particular someone... sigh still recovering really slowly... anyway i got home, surprised my mum and she was happy, went on the net to check out cable broadband services cos had wanted to get one... but in the end i still couldn't afford it as yet, dammit. just realised that my pay is really just barely enough to cover my more important expenses and hardly much to spend or save. this month i calculated, transport took up most of my money, more than my bill and money to my mum altogether! now left with just 60 bucks in my bank, just bearly enough to cover the rest of the transport for this month... so it's not really that i dunno how to save, it's really difficult to do so! stupid army... well anyway next month onwards getting extra 40 bucks into my pay, hope somehow can cushion everything... and hope hope HOPE! that my marksman 200 bucks come in too. grr... oh back to today, went out alone in the afternoon, just walked around town then to clementi to buy some food stuff and dinner too. later watching tv and hope to fall asleep soon, cos i don't wanna spend too much free time trying to do something when i cannot find something fun to do...
oh ya sunday... that was the start of my so-called new life. woke up feeling different from the days i had in the last 2 weeks. my mum woke up at the same time so... went to her and told her about what happened between me and laura. she kinda noticed that i was acting different the past days as well... i was putting it way too obvious... so at least sud tell wat happened. also just felt like tell her anyway too. mmm she listened and gave me advice and all, mm what a lovely mum. :o) later that morning went grocery shopping with her and also talked about it along the way. in the evening i wanted to just go out and be alone actually, but happened to call a fren whom i've never seen or contacted for like years and she happened to be heading to west coast recreational centre for gym session... so might as well go meet her. we met at the SP orientation camp years ago btw. she got into doing gym like months ago cos she said that she wanted to lose weight and stuff, but now she also mentioned that she'll be going to australia to study next month, so she's not really into it haha... ah i dunno her lah. so again, told me story to her and like everyone else gave me some really common advice... oh and guess what, she drove her way to gym in her dad's nissan cefiro. a couple days back stefanii gave me a ride in her parents huge volvo S70... and now this... and i was like feeling 'what the hell these girls get to drive FIRST? before ME? i feel really wierd driven by girls...hmm' after her gym thing, and getting to know her big sized trainer too (sudden thought: felt like telling laura to sign up for these gym things, i saw results myself... fuck man it works! if she's disciplined enough to follow a strict food diet and trainer hard, i really believe that she can shed some weight and look really gorgeous... oooh why am i thinking of all these?!), we went to holland village, in her dad's car, which she drove, and sat at starbucks and talked about me and catching up with each other. her size reminds me of laura (what the FUCK am i thinking?!?!) we stayed there till pretty late like about 9:30 plus then she sent me home. she also bought chocolates for me, saying that they are proven to make people happy, so sweet of her. so ended that sunday getting to know another fren, felt good. :) monday... dont think need to say much, think i said enuff yesterday. another sudden thought: i never went back to read what i wrote down here, i dunno why i just don't read them.
well, now i've got this off day, seriously have no idea what to do with it.felt like just leaving it till tomorrow then decide... now i'm beginning to feel sleepy, but i wanna try to lie on the bed and watch tv till i doze off, like what laura does AARGH!!!!!! okok i takes time for this to fade away, now too early too early.... sigh. *covers head with his pillow* nevermind i'll just listening to Hooberstank's The Reason and sing to it and listen to my own terrible unmatching voice....

a totally different kind of monday

hmm.... wanted to write about yesterday and today... but i wanna watch the bond movie and then go to sleep.... today supposed to have my driving test but it was cancelled and i felt like what the fuck and ya... today seemed... not that good but i'm still in one piece. me gonna be determined to pass the test the first time round tomorrow then get that few days off then update my blog... till now don't really know why i'm doing this!! but anyway i need to try and distract myself for the coming weeks or months or years... and let this new train journey take me where it wants to take me. yah... new train, new journey... but same old i-dunno-where-i'm-going thing. hmm few days off.. what the hell am i gonna do?? sigh.... okok upadate tomorrow... sudden thought: till now no one has ever read my blogs. should i show it off? still feel the need to let someone read... or a least know that someone read something from here... ah sleepy eyes... still lacking sleep as usual... hmm she's still pretty much in my mind BUT... have this promise to show her that i can do it.... but losing a fren forever, sigh.... okok watch 007!!! another sudden thought: today's the 24th, what could've been our 42nd monthsary... sigh! *deep breathe* watch that damn show and SLEEP!!!! grr...

Thank you for being in my life, a small tribute to you, Laura Chong

the past few days were crazy, i really nearly went insane over this.... but finally last night was the night to end it all. Laura told me straight that she was losing her feelings for me day by day, had wanted to break all contacts with me, and just wants to move on with her life. for me, for the past almost 4 years of knowing her, i've never regretted my life with her. she came into my life, helped changed me the be a better man and gave me the best 4 years of my life so far. i have absolute no doubt about that... but sadly, all good things have to come to an end someday... and i'm really sad that we couldn't be friends anymore. she was so much of a friend to me, more than anyone else... but now she just wants to move on and leave me here. she had done so much for me during this relationship, and i want to dedicate this erm... blog entry to her. Laura, you are indeed the best friend anyone could have, you've always been there for everyone and helping others before yours. I may not be the one for you throughout your life time, but i sincerely hope you'll find the special someone that will take real good care of you throughout. You came, you changed me and you left... and you'll always be forever in my heart, my first love and one of my bestest friend in my life. I have no grudge against you for leaving me just like that, just that i didn't take it well the first time... but now i feel that after knowing it all... it all came to sense and yeah, i have to move on too. She's also a really strong person too emotionally i think... so far she's the only person i know in the world who can give advice to other people and apply it to herself too. that i think it's her special unique quality of her. I'm really gonna miss you... hope someday we can be friends again. I'm glad that you're most happy with your friends now, for me... it's the start of the long journey to getting it over and moving on. you said that you believe in me in whatever i do and you believed that i can do this.... well i'm gonna do just that... for the last time, just for you.

mmm...

mmm... can't stop complaining about the weather, hot hot HOT! yesterday the monday, certainly not feeling the blues but not feeling that great too. my supposed parking test was AGAIN delayed, till wednesday.hmm felt yesterday was nothing eventful, except while i was heading home, laura smsed me asking where i am. she had wanted to meet me at holland village, so i jumped at the chance to see her. she was with her friends in the afternoon there, including adeline, the pregnant one. wow when i saw her i just couldn't like believe at first, cos she's of small built and now she's expecting... kept looking at her tummy for a while when i first met her. at that time they were shopping for baby clothes, so i was there to tag along. mmm felt nice seeing laura again... anyway, when her friends left, laura and i went to have laksa for dinner... then went to haagen dazs for some desert, mmm the chocolate moose(?) cake was good! hmm after that, she called her parents to pick her up and while i was sending her to the road, my hand kinda accidently held her hand... i swear i didn't know, it was like a natural habit... couldn't bear to see her leave but had to, she's still single and me.... being hopeful of things. today at driving.... boring. in the afternoon i thought of having my mum cooking some home cooked food for laura, cos well she hardly has any traditional home cooked stuff for meals... so kinda like give her a small treat. she had wanted to come to my house but i offered to send it to her home instead, the next few days she'll be busy enjoying herself (and being single hmm), so at least let her parents feel their daughter at home. another reason that i didn't really want her to come was that my room was really messy, and i've got planned drawn up on what to do for her in the coming days pinned up all over my walls... won't exactly a surprise for her if she sees it right? when she mentioned that she could come to my house instead, i too wanted her to come, really! but couldn't, grrr... so anyway i rushed home, my mum cooked noodles for her, i took a shower and brought the food to her house. her parents were home, so i could only see her for just a real short while, but when i saw her... :o) heh, even thought i only saw her for like just 3 mins, it was good enough. the next 3 days or so won't be able to see or hear from her much, so will kinda miss her... but at least i know that she'll be having a good time... so long as i get to see her again. hmm... i felt like as if we are really together, just that no lovely dovey stuff... me really working on it to make it bloom. gee i hope i know what i'm doing and i hope that time and things will be at my side... laura if you can read this, i really love you a lot...

mmmm....

mmm... can't stop complaining about the weather, hot hot HOT! yesterday the monday, certainly not feeling the blues but not feeling that great too. my supposed parking test was AGAIN delayed, till wednesday.hmm felt yesterday was nothing eventful, except while i was heading home, laura smsed me asking where i am. she had wanted to meet me at holland village, so i jumped at the chance to see her. she was with her friends in the afternoon there, including adeline, the pregnant one. wow when i saw her i just couldn't like believe at first, cos she's of small built and now she's expecting... kept looking at her tummy for a while when i first met her. at that time they were shopping for baby clothes, so i was there to tag along. mmm felt nice seeing laura again... anyway, when her friends left, laura and i went to have laksa for dinner... then went to haagen dazs for some desert, mmm the chocolate moose(?) cake was good! hmm after that, she called her parents to pick her up and while i was sending her to the road, my hand kinda accidently held her hand... i swear i didn't know, it was like a natural habit... couldn't bear to see her leave but had to, she's still single and me.... being hopeful of things. today at driving.... boring. in the afternoon i thought of having my mum cooking some home cooked food for laura, cos well she hardly has any traditional home cooked stuff for meals... so kinda like give her a small treat. she had wanted to come to my house but i offered to send it to her home instead, the next few days she'll be busy enjoying herself (and being single hmm), so at least let her parents feel their daughter at home. another reason that i didn't really want her to come was that my room was really messy, and i've got planned drawn up on what to do for her in the coming days pinned up all over my walls... won't exactly a surprise for her if she sees it right? when she mentioned that she could come to my house instead, i too wanted her to come, really! but couldn't, grrr... so anyway i rushed home, my mum cooked noodles for her, i took a shower and brought the food to her house. her parents were home, so i could only see her for just a real short while, but when i saw her... :o) heh, even thought i only saw her for like just 3 mins, it was good enough. the next 3 days or so won't be able to see or hear from her much, so will kinda miss her... but at least i know that she'll be having a good time... so long as i get to see her again. hmm... i felt like as if we are really together, just that no lovely dovey stuff... me really working on it to make it bloom. gee i hope i know what i'm doing and i hope that time and things will be at my side... laura if you can read this, i really love you a lot...

all over again

i was out the whole of yesterday, the morning half was just like the days before... but the rest of the day, a deep and heart felt talk to my best friend and we found out new things about each other. hmm couldn't write much now... i dunno maybe cos i'm feeling... renewed. last after basically i met my best friend Henedick and both of us talked my my break up with laura, discussing the possiblities of the causes and stuff... but in the process somehow we talked about ourseleves, why we are the type who selectively chose our friends and why we are like the anti-social types. can't write out the whole thing here, but i found out things about myself too... things that i don't even know or noticed until the topic came up and i looked back and realized why my life is like that. throughout the entire day, the thought laura kept surfacing every now and then, kept asking myself why. the night before i had talked to her on the phone, trying explained myself why i can't leave that feeling and move on... but somehow i couldn't tell her coz... i was confused and really was unsure why myself. when she mentioned her reasons it made it worse for me and i just kinda broke down all over again. after we hung up i called emmy, well can't exact say that she consoled me, but still i needed to talk to someone. she told me that now it's the best time to catch up with my friends... so after her i called dick. i really couldn't sleep the whole of last night... well actually did dozed off for a while i few times, but kept waking up at the thought of the whole thing. back to the afternoon yesterday, was with dick from afternoon... to evening.... to late night... past midnight... it was then that i realised that why i still wanted to be with laura is that, she left after saying her peace, but i didn't finish mine cos i was too confused of what i wanted to say. dick suggested that i meet her and talk it out. it was nearly 3am and we were still outside... had hanged out at mac at lido outside, was going to orchard plaza or arcade whatever i forgot that area to check out the wierdo shemales there but before we even got near there, we had encounter with one of them and that shocked the fuck out of us, especially dick. so we turned around and headed towards the other direction... then dick had to go back and i had to meet laura somehow...so took a cab, dropped me off at my place and i waited. laura was actually at some pasir panjang village and not going back anytime soon (was 3+am, gee), so went there. after getting lost for a while, reached there and laura and i talked. it felt good at first when i saw her, but when it came to talking about it, was hard for me man...i clarified my feelings, doubts and questions,... and i told her why i really wanted to be with her and that i'll do anything just to be with her... cos i felt that... hmm should i say this out here? nah it's personal... anyway so it ended with this: she'll still remain single and if i want to be back with her, i'd have to work my way up again. it felt really good that we're back to talking terms, those 5 days with talking to her was like horrible x3. so after that, went up to this place where she was hanging out and her bro and his frens were there, at this singing session pub thingy. at nearly 6am, went to have some super late supper, or breakfast rather at this cheese prata place... then went home. i sent laura to her door, said goodnight and good bye and hugged... it felt really comfortably.. good. mmm woke up the next afternoon without that dreaded feeling... to me it's like starting all over again, just like when it was 3 1/2 years ago...

letting it out

came home feeling really tired and exhausted... as of now i really feel like sleeping and it's only 10pm. i guess it's the hot season now, continous hot days, making me sweat like a pig in my uniform. today's drive was nothing special, but had my height and lashing test... passed with ease. it's a bit unbelievable that some can still fail that, but ah it's their problem. the parking test was supposely conducted today too, but now postponed till next monday... meanwhile a few had managed to take it today. only a handful passed, hmm. during the afternoon laura smsed me how was my test, and i replied and we kinda went into a short sms conversation... felt like old times during that short period of time. that was until i mentioned that she sounded happy when smsing, said that she must had a good week and she didn't reply... felt that i screwed it up again. during my 1 hour plus journey home, had a heavy feeling in my heart which almost led to a real heart pain. for so many days, i had wanted to let her know how much i really missed talking to her, hearing her voice... basically i'm really missing her alot. the thing is, i don't know or even don't think she felt the same way for me. those words that she last said to me, that she one of the main reasons she was still with me is that she was just worried about me... which pretty much showed that she wanted to go elsewhere from this relationship... and i was so stupid not to realise that. the sacrifices that she made for me, i just felt so guilty and bad, that i feel so ashamed of myself for being the person i am. all the pain i've caused her... god why am i saying all these?! if she sees this... sigh i'm just really confused. i have the painful urge to tell her my feelings, to tell her how much she meant to me... even though she doesn't feel that way for me anymore.... but i can't as i promise to give her a break and not mention about any of these or ask her what's she doing, reminding her of the obligations she associated them with all these. holding back and keeping these thoughts to myself and from her, hurts me so much and nearly brought me to the brink of tears... so many times that i looked at my phone, hoping to recieve a message from or sending a message to her... lost count of how many times i did that, in a day. the feeling of loving someone so much, but that someone doesn't love you that much anymore... plus you have to let her go, is really the most disheartening, demoralizing and painful feeling in my entire life... but in the end i have to face this sooner or later and somehow... am i the problem to all these? would she've been better if i'm not around? but i have to prove to her that i'm strong, and not that low in confidence... but God, not at the expense of having her to go... why is it so unfair?!

the day clara nearly drove my mum mad

the heat these days are really driving me crazy... and it's really not helping me in trying to cope with life around me. i didn't really take notice of the day's events until i got home, when my little niece really almost drove my mum mad... thanks to my dad who's been spoiling Clara(my niece) for long time. now clara goes to my dad for almost anything, hug, food, play... i could hear my mum's frustration when she was trying to bathe clara, but she was doing things so slowly and sometimes not even listening to my mum. almost all the time, when clara doesn't get what she wants, she goes to my dad and cries and ask to be carried. the last straw for my mum was when clara asked for food and mum dumb dad just gave her bread, with butter when she's not supposed to. the make matters worse, before my dad had given her some bread, clara had tried to open a bottle pills which belonged to my dad and had wanted to eat them! my mum was so pissed, she was shouting and screaming at my dad... and guess what? my dad, just sat there on his chair, watching tv, with that 'unhappy look' in his face, looking as if he didn't hear a thing. FUCK HIM MAN! i asked my mum what's wrong and she said nothing... man there are times when i really wanted to slap my dad for pissing my mum off... she has done so much throughout her life and my dad, ever since near his retirement, act as if he had given up everything. sometimes... i really wished i had a better family.... actually just a better dad, why do i have to look like him when my other 2 brothers don't?! Sigh...
today at driving... while i was with the group practicing on judging height and doing lashing, some big thing happened in the other group doing the parking practice. apparently the trainer lost his handphone, claimed that he had left it on the truck while doing a demo and it went missing after he realized that didn't take it back. 3 guys went to do the parking after the demo and obviously they were the main suspects. the trainer was like gone berserk when he found his phone missing and started doing body search and all. he even wanted to confine all of us, yes including the people in my group who were never at the parking practice ground! in the end it didn't happened, but still some time was already wasted and our course group was actually rushing to get stuff done... to make up for all the fuck ups the admin side of the camp had given us. in the afternoon, the sun's searing heat was making me so much... thank goodness i had brought i towel along. Oh and to make things worse, my truck, DIDN'T HAVE AIR CON AGAIN! i was like WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK IS THIS?! my trainer was also cursing and all... and during my drive he didn't talk much, cos the heat was making both him and myself really uncomfortable. and i was feeling quite exhausted too... was driving slower than usual and could concentrate on the drive as much as before. Tomrrow's my height and lashing plus parking tests, after i'm done with those, i'm just left with the driving test on the 24th.... urgh fuck that date, the 24th... (pauses to try to get his thoughts clear). the past 3 days, i dunno why i come home, feeling tired, exhausted... even though during the day there had been a lot of doing-nothing time...
seriously, why am i doing this blogging thing? i ask myself that and... i just felt like it. sometimes i feel better talking out whatever's inside, but to who? i felt that my life's complicated... why? maybe's me, which i don't think anyone out there can understand, i just don't know what i want, how do you tell that to anyone? one thing for sure, i wanna do something with cars in the future, but for now, i'm just probably taking a ride on the train, going wherever the train's taking me. And i don't want to be alone on this train ride, had enough of solo travelling on buses which i sometimes do in real life. Tomorrow, i just hope it'll be a good day somehow... like always say, look on the other side of the hill or whatever...

can i leave this title thing blank???

Oh my god, another freakin' hot day. this time it was afternoon sun burning the shit out of me. in the morning it had rained, quite heavily for like just a few minutes... then throughout the whole morning the rain came like on off on off... more on today later.
Last night, guess what? Laura called me when i was just about to get into bed. At first i was a little unsure of what to do when her call came, i mean like thoughts ran thru my mind like what's that she wanna tell me? change of heart? made up her mind already? i took a deep breath picked it up. in the end we just had a acsual 15min chat, mostly about out pregnant friend. she sounded happy... of course, she's talking about her friends... but when it ended and there was nothing left to say, saw a wee bit of coldness in her. i couldn't say much as i was afraid of screwing everything again, so didn't mention of how my day went. Well at least she was happy, out with her friends and stuff, comforting to hear...
Today at driving, second day at driving the tonner and i already felt quite comfortable handling it, except that today we were not using the same one as yesterday... IT DIDN'T HAVE AIR CON! all the vehicles in this camp have air con, mainly for the trainers comfort... but the tonner definately needs that air con on, or else it's a burning oven inside man! good thing i was driving in the morning when the rain came... oh and i had night training too, piece of cake. Haha, my trainer while travelling with me, always complaining how the other trainees in my group drive. He didn't have much problems with me, cos i'm that good! :op so like everytime while we're on the road, it's sometimes more of like a chat session instead of training. Also today, i had my first failure in my simulator training, believe or not, while driving i made a wrong turn and got an immediate fail for that senario... which means one of these i have to stay back after 5 to do remedial training, crap. :( oh oh, while heading back to camp to end my night training, i was driving along this elavated freeway and saw one of the most beautiful sunset, the sky mixed with the colours of pink and blue... infused in such a way that it really looked calming. Man i always wanted to drive along a coast with such a sunset in view with my loved one, this time i was in a tonner with my old malay trainer... close enough. again today i there was a lot of free in hand, due to some cock ups in scedule... and during those free time, again my sick mind's thoughts wandered into some depressing areas. i did try to look on the bright side, but all i see or to hope is to have her back in my life. don't know how long this is gonna last... for now just trying to get on with life... the hard way.

Hot day!

Just last night before i slept, i was on the phone with emmy, a good fren of mine back when i was working at haagen dazs way back then... man i didn't know that she's still not over the loss of her boyfriend Joel! and they broke up like... 8 months ago?! hmm, wonder what drives her so crazy over him... which made me wonder why i still so attached to laura... and just after posting my first blog, i went downloading some songs... which ironically, happened to be some sad songs about i miss you, i'm over you.... don't give on us.... urgh! almost everything around me made me think of her... to make matters worse i went to try to pick up a chat with her online, which was a huge mistake. Really ought to slap myself hard on the face... she got agitated, irritated or simply pissed, kinda told me off and... i was angry, at first not at her but in later part was pretty upset when she told me of how i was so not being a man, mentioning my turn offs and stuff, pretty demoraliZing... really inside i couldn't blame her, by simply talking to her and asking her what's she doing defeats the purpose of giving her breathing space and being free. now why didn't i thought of that... must get this mindset that i may be of lower intelligence among the normal human race... so after that, i was stunned, speechless regretful... and down as usual. was in need of someone to talk to and let out my emotions... so went thru my phone list and managed to find emmy. hmm, didn't know she had a rough time too... for like 8 freakin' months, unbelievable....
Anyway today! Started driving the 3 tonner for the first time. Was a little bit nerve wreaking cos it's big, powerful and... i dunno, was nervous. but after driving it for a while, i got the hang of it so it was fun! except when it comes braking, takes real skill to do it smoothly on that machine :oS The morning and afternoon sun was blistering hot, and it was cloudless! it was such a beautiful and calming sight to look up and see the peaceful looking blue space up there, fantasy thoughts of being at the beach, swimming and tanning with laura... ah f**k shut up tommy... anyway had little slept last night and i couldn't get a good rest during lunchbreak, cannot lie down to sleep and trying to sleep on the chair was like f**kin' uncomfortable... sigh. the rest of the noon was normal, learnt how to judge height and lashing of cargo with ropes. bought a car magazine while on the way home... mmm nothing beats the feeling of seeing tuned cars and having them in my fantasy thoughts. oh and laura smsed me, telling me that a fren of ours is 5 months pregnant! unbelievable... anyway congrates to adeline, hope she'll give birth to a beautiful baby girl :O)

My first blog, wow.

haha... never thought of doing this but... just here for the fun of it. SO... here goes...
It's a monday, just like any other monday... nothing new or fantastic happening. just recently been hit with some changes with life, and i don't really know what to do than just see where this part of the ride of my life takes me to. today's my last day of driving the land rover on the roads, after this no mor driving of that 20 year old putt-putt machine. Tomorrow i'll be going around in the IVECO Fiat, more commonly known as the 3 Tonner. Not really excited about it, since young i've been fantasizing about driving in cars, not a truck... but nevertherless, it's still an automobile with an engine and 4 (giant) wheels, how can i say no to that. also today had took the Highway Situational Problems test for the second time, and by some miracle, i passed... even though i had made many obvious mistakes which would have led to an immediate fail like my first attempt. Guess a little luck was by my side this time round... waiting to take that bloody test was agonizing... hours of waiting and doing nothing... my thoughts all the while were on this person... sigh. at this point of time it seems that nothing can really lift my spirits up or something... even if given a car to drive now, i'd most probably be driving to somewhere quiet, near the coast and look out to the vast open... like changi beach or something. so wierd, i can't even push her out of my thoughts, for fear of 'hurting' her inside me... crazy thoughts, crazy talk blah blah blah...