My final words and thought for the year 2004

Well this is it. 31st December 2004. This entire year has been... *sigh* very eventful, you can say so far this has been the most "happening" perod of my life. so many things had happened around me, resulting in changes that perhaps may had or not changed my life forever. I'm not gonna mention all the A-Z of whatever happened this year to me... but maybe mention a few... after all they are all memories already, might as well put them here in case i wanna look back... or do i? *looks around*

In the begining of this year, ushing in 2004 was erm... err well didn't seem to go as planned. laura and i have been together "trying" to celebrate the new year properly in previous years too... well another one to add. as usual all hopes were set to have a good year ahead... :S then i got posted to be this RP in the army... the sound of it sucked big time, though it was pretty much of a slack job i heard. in the end i was NOT to become an RP, instead i became a Dog Handler! wasn't really into dogs, but as time went by i slowly grew a small affection for them. then the final posting to where i'l be working till the end of my NSF life, where my brother used to work, Tengah Air Base... which is all the way in Choa Chu Kang. Life started there pretty hard, being the lowest of the low kinda reminded me of the BMT days... those horrid BMT days. after month or so.... i got posted to become a driver. that was like a dream come true, really a much needed kick start and one step closer (out of the millions ahead) to realizing my dream to be in the racing world.
while enroute to attaining my army driver's licence, my love life took a drastic turn for the worst. being together for almost 4 years in a relationship and at this age took its toll, laura decided that she wanted a change in life. This was of course a giant blow to me... many said that being in a relationship for so long is like wow.... unbelievable, even she herself didn't expect us to be together for so long... but her growing and maturing mind (plus the influence of her raging hormones.. :p kidding) somehow opened her door and she well... saw that door that leads to the vast outside world and she simply wants to explore it. i spent days, weeks, months till now still thinking about her... not to set hopes too high, not to set them at all... to me she's still someone who i somehow feel most comfortable with, as for now i can't tell cos we haven't really met for so long. she's changed now to her, i'm probably just another man who she had been with in her life. :(
during the long horrid period of constant negative thoughts i went thru, i tried to catch up with some lost frens. managed to contact them, but failed to maintain that constant touch. trying to find a new listening ear and moral supporter was hard... and i was in desperate need of one. the one who fit the bill closest was stef, she too has a messed up life. with the outside world slowly abandoning me, the camp where i worked and to most where we would try to stay out as far long as possible, begin to become the only place where i can find that bit of salvation for my social life. life as the driver for most of the time freed my mind from troubles while on the road was i guessed the only times where i can find peace in mind. of course there are problems in camp that cropped up here and there... with the most recent one bringing me the heavy burden of guilt to the guys in my shift. beacuse of my dog, an accident which somehow became an unsuccessful cover up resulting in the removal of some of the privilages to us guys... i felt like my life is back to the sad secondary school day... although the guys here are trying to see the bright side of it. right now i'm being considered as a senior, being able to handle almost all the dogs and so far, no bites on me yet. plus i'm also considered as the "good ones" in Dog Platoon, as so i heard personally from the 2 indians in charge.
So, what in for the new year? Resolutions, hmm... obviously i want a better life, someone beautiful to come my way (yes i admit, i was hoping laura would be one of the beautiful ones too... but i don't think she'd come my way... proably never.. ever... nvm), sort out my $$ problems.... yeah. If i can't sort myself out first, no point in trying to take on the world cos i wouldn't be able to make it. even before 2005 has even started, i can already see it's gonna be a quiet, slow and rough start ahead... not celebrating the new year outside or with anyone, i'm already out of $$ (as usual) and i've got 4 extra duties, all on weekends, next month.... plus our privilages removed, meaning no long weekends and stuff.... *big exhale* I'm gonna start this new year on my own... whether i'll make it through to the next month or not, only time will tell.

for now, just wanna spend the final hours of this year alone and in peace.... i think i'm sucumbing to change and am changing myself. wanna know what's in my mind now? i wish somehow would call me now and invite me to join the celebration... then again, my life is always full of hopes and dreams only, the fantasy world i yern to live in only exist within me. i'm just waiting to be noticed and discovered again... to unlock the other side of me that i hope would one day.... fill up this space instead. To whoever's reading this... hope you had a great year and Happy New Year to you. :o)

*goes out to take the caddy for a spin*

celebrating woes

new year eve's round the corner, seems like everyone around me got plans how to celebrate, where to go, who to hang out with... i'm just not in it. did tried asking around looking like a lost idiot to fit into a party... i think it's just best that i usher in the new year quietly. besides, my mum's struggling to cope with increasing home ultility bills (thanks to the maid, apparently not trained to save), plus i can't save on my own.... maybe a quiet start is just enough this round. the past years of unsuccessful countdowns with laura out there... she deserves a better one with her friends for a change. my best pal dick is having duty on that night, stef most likely to being hanging out with bf and his gang of friends, others with bbqs and $$$ wasting clubs... i was thinking of taking the car out after midnight to well... joyride i suppose. my eldest bro is currently renewing the road tax and insurance.... hope he can get it done by tomorrow. at least if i get caught, the car doesn't go.
last night duty we were doing by-right stuff, after those happening events, it was time to excersise what should be done the right way... just in case. god, i couldn't really sleep last night... was so freaking cold, lucky i wore a shirt inside plus the camonet round my neck. it seems that, whatever unhappy events in the past were all forgiven and forgotten, still managed to have a little fun with the guys here.... hope it stays that way.
2004 has been a turmoiling year... it's good that this year's coming to an end. as for next year.... well i 'll decided what i'd wish for tomorrow.

who wants to hang out with me on new year's eve? i'm driving :p

random thoughts

once again, caught laura at the wrong time.... she was going for dinner when i said hi. maybe it's not her fault... well it's not her fault at all, fate? when will that day when something or someone good come my way... in this state confusion of my own life i'm in, what have i got to look forward to? once again, i'm sounding depressed, but this is my place where i pour my feelings out, where no one can ever hear... cos no one ever comes here! i have never came across anyone telling me that that have visited my blog... well err actually some did, but never a repeat... proably cos whatver i wrote in here is so much of a turn off of life, my life. even displaying the add to this doesn't make any difference! guess it's time to change the intro to this horrid place, yes horrid to you but my only "listening ear" to me. another thought, it's been a really long time since anyone approached to talk to me online.... urgh nevermind that.

mmm, just recieved a self-made christmas/new year card from stef. at least it's good to know that she consider me as one of her more trusted friends in her life. i'm pretty glad myself to still be able to keep in touch with her.

*goes to lie on the bed...*

Differences, trusts, myself....

Any decision always has its own consequences. although choices are considered as luxury according to some ppl, what's only available to choose sometimes... make no differences. i had to choose between myself and the others... to stick with the story or give myself in. i chose the latter and now i'm finding myself all sorts of reasons and excuses for my own actions... whether i made the right choice or the reasons have their point, i may not even know.
last night i came back to camp to sleep over, the cold feeling was already around. news saying that i broke down and confessing the truth had already spread throughout the shift and it's apparent that... i displayed the action of betrayal. i know i've been to told to stick to the same story and have the total thrust in all the shift guys and to stick together... apart from thinking about myself, the cover story was getting out of hand, facts were still shaky and more loopholes were discovered. it already generated so much hype that it was already a worse case than the actual incident itself, invloving more ppl than it should. there shouldn't even be a cover story in the first place, and what pissed me most was that i had thought of telling the truth in the first place, cos nothing was breached, whatever punishment would have been served minimal. the next day, well let's just say it was time for the verdict. me, marv the nco, zhang our 1 ic and nic the 2ic all got 7 extras. initially zhang was gonna be slapped with a charge, 10 days minimum SOL i think (can't remember what it means)... i tried to talk to the black guy who said that and there wasn't much i could do. eventually the other more subtle black one convinced him to reduce that to extras instead... but the 4 of us will definately be marked. gonna serve the extras over the weekends thru january and feb, sigh. because of my actions, the bonds that i have built with the shift guys.... let's just say i'm starting from the bottom square 1 again.
right now Antis is my main concern. once again, if he heals, good. if not, he's gonna be put to sleep, so say i was told. for goodness sake, i never intended for him to jump up the bloody tonner, he had to freaking do such a stunt and get me into this deep shit... really fucking hope he gets better. but anyway, master briefed us on some things to try and speed up his recovery, things like putting cardboard into his kennel so that his leg don't have to lie on the concrete floor... hotpress for his legs... and a half-boiled egg everyday, along with his feed. for calcium, he says. why don't just give Antis Anlene milk? sigh... he's the expert in dogs, no other choice to take his word....
i still don't have any plans of celebrating the new year... no one's inviting me, no one to find... laura's online now but.. well i can try to talk to her but no point in that... i'm still stressed out internally, not sure what i did was right or wrong....

Lost battle

no words can describe how broken down i already am. i woke up this morning, having that very uneasy feeling about the day ahead. Marv smsed me to stick to the story, i knew bad was gonna happen. later in the morning, master called saying he wanted to see me and talk to me personally. i knew what's gonna happen, but i wasn't really prepared to face it.
I was being interrogated, scrutinized and threatened. i kept to the story, i stood by it with no expression, trying not to show any weakness at all. this went on constantly, i knew how all these guys work to get the truth out... and it came to a time where i just don't know who to trust and what to do... i asked to be alone for a while, my head was a total mess...

that was when i broke down totally.

my body went through an uncontrollable shiver, my teeth shaking non-stop, my mind unable to comprehend what was going around me. it was obvious that i couldn't handle the mental stress and all the threats that were thrown at me. i didn't want to be the weakest link, the laughing stock or talked about as the cowardly one, i was already going through a troubled life of my own, this confined situation just tipped the iceberg. i had to spit out the truth, which was no more than an accident in its pure right way. the standing order wasn't breached at all, i didn't load up before the nco and the ic came. somehow the cover story came up and we all went along with it... who came up with it no one really knew. i was a let down to myself and to everyone...

i'm screwed, i can't face up to anyone anymore.

Feeling really stressed, vexed and fucked up

till now those books are still missing, called almost all of my shift guys and all of them said they never heard anything about the missing books in the morning. what was most puzzling was, in the morning 2 of the other shift guys said they heard someone mentioning that the books were missing.... they couldn't remember who said it. if the books were missing, why the fuck was i not informed? why am i so worked up you might as, well i was the fuckin last guy who wrote those books and i'm damn sure i had put them back in to the bag before loading up during the pullback. i already had enough of shit for one day, more than i acn handling and this..... i'm on off tomorrow which means they can just recall me back to camp just to settle this fucking missing books. i'm really blowing up inside, i'm just bearing containing myself. at least some of my shift guys were concerned enough to tell me to relax a little and not think about it so much...
this has got to be the absolute worst day for me this year, aside from love matters. i am this close, THIS CLOSE >-< to doing stupid things...

*takes deep breaths and closes eyes*

An absolutely horrible day to live... losing myself

As i speak now, troubled matters are still brewing around me. i really don't know how to begin and i don't know when will all these end. today has really drove me to breaking myself apart, the events that caused all these really burning me mentally. I didn't see all these coming and i didn't anticipate them coming to me fast, one after another. *clutches hair*

The Online Conversation
Just before the start of last night's duty, i went on to msn on my phone. i decided to find out what was with laura and her cold attitude these days. And this was what i found out: 1)The the night before she didn't reply my message was because she was watching a movie. 2)She just doesn't have much to say to me. 3)she wasn't avoiding me, she's just moving on with life. About that last one, i could sense something like "i'm moving on with life, how about YOU? huh??" coming out from her mind. all the while i was doing the asking and talking, and she just gave those few words replies. i think all these says it all, she's no longer the friend i used to know.

My dog Antis...
while i was gonna load up for deployment, an incident happened and Antis injured his rear leg. it got pretty bad, he was whining madly after falling down, hitting the tailboard and since then, he's limping on 3 legs. there were cuts, seriously i have no idea how he got them. initially i was told not to be deployed by the pc who was around, but i had to anyway. much later i came to know the reason why he didn't want me to be deployed, he claimed that i looked stressed out from the incident. Fuck you asshole, firstly i sweat easily, secondly attending to Antis while carrying my rifle and webbing isn't like a walk in the park. That pc had to pull another stunt before the incident, "stunning" the unattended rifles. that shithole is asking for it...

Alone and awake
While at duty area, it was a peaceful night, no visits, no vehicles... but the deployment timings were all screwed and thoughts about my screwed up life had arisen.
i was feeling incredibly desperate, and being alone out in the quiet night didn't help at all. i tried calling some ppl, hoping to reach out to someone, all asleep, not in the mood to talk.... eventually found michelle. my mind was full of negativity, so much that i had to pour them out, unfortunate to have her to hear them. it turned out that i realised, i just can't express out what i feel, the reason why no one could understand me. it became all pointless to talk to anyone, being unable to even think properly of what to say... those words of mine will end up offending someone. i couldn't sleep much that night... my mind increasingly stressed out.

The morning investigation
back at dog sect, Kumar the warrant officer here, came and ask to see the dog. me, marv the nco and nic the ic for that night's duty stuck to the common story and he was alright it seems. what surprised us was that master karu came to know about it too... none of us had informed him. it was already bad that we didn't inform him last night, now that he came to know about it just a while ago is just much worse. when he came, the brutal interrogation began. he didn't believed what we said, insisting that we were covering up and that something else happened he believed. there was a point of time he stared straight into my eyes, with fingers and fists pointing at me. i hated confrontations, so i backed off. i know myself that i don't work well under stress, don't care what the guys say about me not being able to take the heat. i'd rather step back and get myself composed than cry out there in front of anyone. i stuck to the story, whatever fuck shit crap he pulled to put me off... i stuck to what i saw and what i saw only. Antis was his fav. dog, just becos he could do obstacles he's the pride of his control of dogs. Now that he's injured, bad, you'd know why he's so fucking fuming. in the end, new standing orders about loading of dogs came... i have a strong feeling this is not the end for me...

Burnt
because of the seriousness of Antis's injury, he's gotta be sent to the hospital. If Antis has to go, his handler has to follow too... me. Marv the nco was told to accompany as well, reason obvious. so while the other guys get to go home at 11am, me, marv and H.L. the driver were at Mt Pleasant animal hospital, waiting in line to be seen by the doc. after a fucking long 1 hour wait... Antis was erm checked, no fractures thankfully, be he suffered a possible ligement tear which is quite bad; if he manages to heal good but may not be able to work on obstacles much anymore. if not, surgery is needed to salvage his bone joints... and he'll never be actively jumping again. Fuck... end of the world. If Antis is screwed, so am i. for now, he's out of duty and required compulsory rest... that mean no more me showing up infront of his kennel and him jumping around like me. well, he can't jump anyway now...
We got back to camp at about 2:30pm, was asleep throughout the ride back. by then i was really drained, both mentally and physically. i got home and almost knocked out immediately on the bed.... until....

Missing books
... the nco at dog sect. called and asked me where were the hanger beat books for last night's duty. i remembered writing them and keeping them into the bag, but they searched all of the bags and everywhere but couldn't find them. Fuck again.... i must have dropped them at the weathershed, while bringing out the bag to pull into the tonner, they must have dropped out. i really hope that that was what had happened.... i pray that they will find it there....

I really don't know what to do now. i can't talk to anyone about what i'm going through... i can't stop having those thoughts that are ravaging my mind... it's only here where i can let out what's going on in me... i can only write what i'm feeling and have no idea what it means. i could feel a slight suicide tendency growing in me but i'm trying my greatest might to fight it off. the only sounds i hear within me are the cries that are building up, anger swelling up throughout my body...

what the fuck is happening to me?!

Always trying, never appreciated

mmm, didn't spend much time doing anything else other than sleeping the entire afternoon, was quite tired out from last night's duty... even though i sneaked back to dog sect. to retire early. :p i did the pulling back of the guys in the wee hours, that was about 4plus... and even though i pulled back the guys so early, i the end we left there at 10am. that is way too late, normally we would've been long gone at about 9plus. so, i reached home at about 1pm and almost went to sleep immediately...
while on duty last night, i was just checkin on my msn on my phone and saw laura's nick there... "Down". It was christmas night and i was wondering how could she be feeling down when she supposed went out with her frens? well i assumed that she was feeling down, so i had to ask to she how's she doing. No reply. her status was set at busy, but there were times where it changed to online... well either she did get my message and just didn't respond or or didn't get her message thru my phone. feeling a tad fed up, i sent her another message saying i probably caught her at a bad time and i went off.
next day when i got home and on to my computer, went to her blog site and aww... her fren's baby look so darn cute... she looked like she did had a good time... then later she mentioned that meeting up with those ppl were the only thing that lit up her day. :|
it's time like these when i see her feeling low or down, i feel so compiled to go up to her and say that hey, i can be your company. obviously looking back at the past attempts to even strike a disired longer conversation which never turned out to last more that a minute... the probable outcoming would i think turn out as no change. those words that she had told me in the past, that i gotta give her the space and stuff... kept haunting me and always holding me back. i said to myself that it's probably better, everytime i tried to make a move, i get the cold shoulder. whatever happened to "me still as a friend to her"? she's not even treating one, i'm now more of a hi-bye aquaintance. i just afraid of confronting the past again, cos it never turns out good. why keep pushing when things are never changing... why do i keep having thoughts about her in the first place... :(
New year's around the corner, no idea how i'm gonna celebrate... not even sure whether i'm gonna celebrate it in the first place. i can see this coming... welcoming the new year alone, alone and yes, alone.... while everyone having fun fun fun... sigh.

"I'm always trying to be there for you, friend or not... but you just never gave me the chance."

It's another day right here...

"Good morning, Merry Christmas, how do you do?" yeah, if only someone would greet me with that. Last night i had a conversation with stef online, about her troubled life with her bf. he's all totally weird, but she still wants him and finds it hard to let him go. she knows that it's gonna end with a break over time, she's just waiting for it to happen and let nature takes it's place. we spent the entire night talking about it, even to a point of time where i got sick of typing and asked to talk on the phone instead. that was the first time in freaking months that i had a long phone talk with someone, felt like old times.
When talking about her and her bf, it had to remind me how how it was like between me and laura. in my eyes she wasn't totally perfect, but she's just right for the kind of guy like me. Beauty comes in the presence of flawness, where it outshines the latter. (what the hell am i talking about) anyway, i just can't help to think the reason why i'm still emotionally attached to her until now... she's the kind of person who could simply light up my day with her presence. her cheerly and sometimes wacky character makes it even more worthwhile and thru all these, she also has the kindest soul around. yeah she does have what many women possess, the insatiable urge to shop around... hey sometimes that can turn into fun for both parties. it's a real pity that such a wonder person has to go... and now she's even giving me the cold treatment, trying all means to avoid me i believe. attempts to ask her out were rejected numerous times... i do believe that the reasons she rejected me were not made up just to throw me off, but at least try to set just a little time for an ex-close friend, for old time sake? Sigh...
just an hour i took the car out for another spin, this time around the university campus. i felt that i was meant to drive throughout my life, nothing bad or good ever comes to my head while i'm in control of the wheel on the road. i could go on driving aimlessly for hours, but the gas tank was already running low, plus i'm driving ill*gally, had to play safe.
today seems all set to be just another lonely day... where no one really cares what i'm doing and no one ever reads what i've typing here.

*uncontrollable tears roll out from my eyes*

Joyride

Yes, it's the same. A day which i took leave is always a day where nothing happens around me. true, when i woke up, the next thing i do is... sit in front of the computer, see who's online, any mother fucking email spam i got, whether my download stuff has been complete. then throughout the entire day i spend 70% of my time in my room, in front of the screen, either browsing, playing or doing this blog.

Life's like that for me.

Well there was one thing different today, i took my brother's VW Caddy for a ride! Though it's road tax hasn't been renewed and it's insurance not paid up, basically it's not leagal for that car to be moving on the road, who cares. beside it's been left at the car park behind for weeks, when i got to it, little dead leaves where all over the base of the windscreen, flyers stacked under the wiper, looked ancient. I gave it a quick check, apparently my bro did the smart thing of removing the extended air tube that leads up to the air filter carb box. yeah more power, out from this 1.6l petrol engine that pumps out not more than 70hp bleah. the one thing i hate about this car was it's clutch; it's heavy. it was easy trying to slowly releasing it to find that darn biting point, and i always end up stalling the engine all of a sudden. eventually i managed to somehow get used to it... and soon i was drving around the car park, wee.... that wasn't really. so i went out, amde a few rounds, but STILL can't go past 50km/h cos the road was narrow and many bends there.

later going for another round. :D

it's the even of christmas, mmm not feeling what most ppl out there are feeling... really, i wish i could have some company to go thru this festive period... sigh.

If i were to make a ish for christmas, all i want for christmas is just some company. :\

The Eve of the Eve of a day, to me which is just another day...

Ah yes, nothing beats the feeling of retiring to your bed at home after night's sleepless duty. Last night was surprisely peaceful, the bright moon casting over the cloudless night sky, literally shining into the weathershed where i was resting... and i spent most of the time, either playing this new game i have in my phone or just simply staying awake. that particular area of my duty i was feeling rather insecure... i was doing... wait, i'm not suppose to mention all these out in the first place. :S so, i'll leave it as it was a rather tiring night.... i suppose.
There was another dog bite incident yesterday afternoon at the section, same dog Hector bit one of the junior's arm, he had earlier bit another one's hand some 2 months back. based on what i heard, they were doing some touching of the kennel, Hector was earlier tethered inside, to allow the guys to wash. once done, John, who is the personal handler for Hector, was suppose and gonna untether his own dog when, Cai, the "garang" fool, had to insist that he would do the job. once he untethered him, *bite*... puncture wounds on his right arm. Cai is good guy, always the one who would get the job done, always insisting and reminding everyone what is suppose to be done, even to me, who i am like... more senior than him? BUT... he has the traits of a workaholic... while everyone has done his jobs and goes to rest, he goes searching for any unfinished stuff before he himself retires. the annoying part about him is that, he talks about things with great detail... like you ask him a question and he will answer you, that includes a step-by-step guide, err history and maybe include his own personal views. basically, he talks to you like you're stupid or something. his intentions are good... but really annoying.
anyway back to the topic, that was what i heard about what had happened. then later another version came up; he was biten while feeding water. i couldn't really care much actually, he got biten (yay, some peace without him?) after coming back from range, achieving marksman the day before sounded rather comical. what was even funnier was that, our warrant officer had been constantly briefing us on safely especially regarding dog bites... and this happens. boy i can imagine him crying at home. unfortunately, this incident has caused some changes, and they are not good... and some well, actually don't really make sense. Hear this: the next dog bite incident, if that guy who got biten can't recite all the standing orders regarding safety when handling the dogs, he'll be charged. Oh so, if i get biten by a dog and i missed out a particular standing order rule, i'll get charged.... for what?! for failing to follow the standing orders maybe... but other than that, what? it's like... you getting knocked down by a military vehicle and you get charged for... being in it's way? that what i can think of... pure dumbness. another thing was the topic of being able to handle the dangerous dog in our section. Our lastest addition, the oh-so-rowdy-and-crazy Qundo seemed to be the only dog which most of us couldn't handle, so our crazy indian Master decided to have 2 guys, bring Qundo for a walk every morning. And who's gonna ensure the safety of the guys handling him? Master himself. i tell ya in no time, Qundo will go tame eventually if he's really gonna do that. plus he telling us that we all need to be fucked fucked fucked.... FUCK YOU MASTER, FUCK YOU!!!! YOU YOU YOU!! *finger*

today at home, i had to get my sleep in the afternoon, was bearly keeping my eyes while taking the shower. then i was on the computer as usual... till now. really i don't know what to do tomorrow... took leave, the entire day free... but sadly, no other people free to even meet up with me. though my family doesn't celebrate christmas, it feels really lonely to just hear other guys enjoying out there with people. if they say christmas is a time to share and enjoy, then why am i out here alone? try as i might not to get all these into my head, i can only just stride thru this so-called festive season, with my head hung low and looking down..... hoping to find something pleasant when i do lift up my head once day.
Anyone out there care to have coffee with me? :|

Leading a double life (cont)

Had a good, long afternoon sleep... *yawn*. the weather has been quite windy these days and last night's duty area was reeeeally cold. if it weren't for that multi-purpose camo scarf i bought along which i wrapped it around my neck last night, i really would've been shivering non-stop like like some... shivering guy brr. my mind right now is rather empty at this time, currently not filled with anything about the past, what's around me now... all feel now is.... i need to str-eetch.... aahhhh....
last night told stef thru sms that was feeling like talking to someone, then she told me that she was outside and would tell me that she let me know when she gets home. in the end, no message, no calls... and it's already a new morning. when asked, she told me she had a fight with her bf last night and forgot about me. fair enough... i wonder, they have been fighting a lot for weeks already, why would she still wanna carry on this relationship. i mean, a fight once a while is rather the norm, but almost everytime? i'll leave that to her...
at the moment, i see 2 distinctive lives going around me. in camp, i got guys fooling around, talking loads of bullshit and it's simply irrissistable to join in the crapiness. on the other hand, that same person once in touch with the outside world, becomes quiet and rather just keeps to himself. a funny and what seems to be an average guy around familiar people, a cold look in front of others. hmm, i'm not really into talking much today, though i'm feeling there's som sadness in me that needs to be shed out... really there are time where blog is just ain't enough to comfort you. (i'm beginning to talk crap i sense...)
alright before i end up having more weird things coming out of my head, i better go have my dinner. it's another duty night, another long break before christmas... ok i'm really not in the mood for anything now. hope it rains tonight, hope it rains tonight....

Leading a double life

Last night there was a party in the barrack, some of the guys are leaving the full time army life forever, free to roam the streets, away from the chains of goverment slavery. so, they came back to sleep over one last time with us guys and they bought loads of food... spring chickens, bee hoon, rojack, fried oyster omlette, fried carrot cake... whoa it was massive. it wasn't just the guys who usually sleep over that were there, there were also the juniors who had just came back from range too. it was rather late though... the food only came at about 11:30pm but, mmmm mmm. and it was free! :D
as you can see... there's usually always something while i'm in camp to talk about, but hardly mentioning anything about the outside life. one must b crazy to say that they rather stay in camp then stay at home... well i agree. but... i wish i could have this camp life applied to my mine in the outside world, where i can have such frens around. i am simply leading a double life; in camp most of the time i'm needed as the driver, once i step outside the camp i'm just a nobody. i can't say that this camp life of mine can take divert away my troubles, cos well... i still have thoughts whenever i'm alone. approaching the guys with the topic of my true self is just so... out of place. yeah we acn casually talk about the topic, but never go into depth about it. in my shift, none of us are attached except one, and he's kinda annoying us with his attention to his gf. he due time he's gonna experience what i've gone thru while in the army... where she'll just suddenly want to have a change.
while in camp i got things that i'm suppose to do and well, i'll do it. once outside you're free for just a while... but wait, i have no idea of what to do. aimless and lacking attention, free time is somehow becoming times of loneliness. i tried asking some to meet up for dinner, in the end not one could make it. there's this one who got work, this one with things to do with their house, this one with their own plans already made supposely long ago i guess... really is the world out here against me? i can't tell whether these so-called frens are really busy or just plain playing bluff just to avoid me... if this keeps up, i can really trust no one... and eventually maybe, can't trust myself too. sigh, have i offended anyone to desevere this? am i always that unlucky, catching people at the wrong time? and laura, are you still trying to avoid me? yes, till now i still have feeling for you... at least i don't stalk you or leave anoyomous messeges, let alone even messaged you... but i did visit you blog thought... often... sigh. but i am trying to do what you told me before, to leave you alone and staying out of your life. and yes, thank you for inviting me to the ctv party and the shirt you bought for me... i just want to return th favour to you, is that too much? urgh i don't know what i'm talking about... sigh i'm sorry....

*streams of tears*

Slowly dying inside....

Gee... i just got a christmas voice greeting from this person named Rachael... whom i have no idea who she is. it's the 2nd time i've got a christmas voice greeting... at least this one left her name.
just came back from town, was intending to buy stuff to make so-called christmas presents... in the end i bought something which i'm now not sure why i'm doing this in the first place. at first i thought of going to ikea... then i changed my mind and thought of going to spotlight coz they have more diy stuff there. anyway cut to the chase, now i lost the drive to do anything... tell me, is carving out the picture of someone's face on a candle a good idea? i think i'm losing it.
this morning i watched the matrix reloaded... now i know why they say the 2nd installent was the better out of the trilogy. then i was gonna find new stuff to download when.... they all were shut down. suprnova.org, the king of torrent links was not there anyway. the place where i got the lastest movies too was removed. even in irc, channels were ceasing operations. i was wondering, what the fuck happened. after some reading thru and searching around... apparently it had something to do with infringing copyright shit and stuff, and these guys had to shut down. man... i just got cable and this has to happen. really sad.... well at least im still able to download stuff... good enough for me.
today my mind went thru a lot of... thoughts. why am i in this current state of loneliness, depression... not looking up to almost anything. i just wonder, really who am to those people i know? actually i don't know exactly what state i am in, whether i'm really seriously suffering mentally or just a phase i'm going thru... cos no one told me. no one bother to find out how i'm really am. went i talked about ending my life and all that shit, people just told me off, like literally slapping me in the face with their words... telling me how foolish of me to think of something like that. i know their intentions are you, but by telling me off like that? going,"why do you always have to be so sad and make your life difficult..." whenever i'm down and in a very pessemistic mood... and telling me that i have to help myself and there's nothing they can do for me. to me i feel like... all these are threats, if i don't listening to your so-called advice, you'll leave me. what if i really don't or can't? and i end up disappearing from this world forever... will you finally admit that you could've done something about me or just.... "he didn't listen and he made his own choice". honestly, i don't really enjoy this society we live in nowadays. in the past, having someone that loves you and being there for you is more than enough... but now, buying gifts and spending $ on entertainment seems to be rather important too. rationships are no longer not just dependant on what's in you, what you have with you and what you possess counts too. i'm probably one of the victims of this new urban society world... a simple guy with simple possesions is just simply leading a miserable life.
i really wish there's someone out there who can really understand what i'm going through... somewhere inside me wished that that someone would be laura... i know life has to go on, but i really can't go on like this for so long all by myself. i really can't....

Be romantic and CHEAP at the same time by Ashley B
Girls think its absolutely adorable when you think of them. REALLY. It doesn't have to be much. Find out what their favorite flower is, and buy one for her and surprise her with it. Flowers are cheap! Girls like to be reminded how you feel about them too! Just a simple few lines of "you mean the world to me" and cute things you two share can do wonders! (just make sure its not written on a napkin). Take her to the park and make a picnic, again cheap but cute. Never mention money while on a date, it makes you sound stingy and makes her feel awkward. You don't always have to pay, but offering once or twice is cute. Lay down under the stars one night and just really LISTEN to her, you may just fall in love all over again. Surprise her with little things. Even a ring out of those candy machines at a grocery store can be cute if given in the right way. (You never know what she keeps) Call her *BEFORE* she goes to sleep and tell her you'll be thinking about her as the night progresses. Tell her you called just to hear her voice before you fell asleep. Just to say I love you works too. Take note of what she likes and dislikes. If she only likes you for your money, then you dont deserve her. Make it clear in the beginning of the relationship what your ambitions are, what you expect, and things that you are looking for. Communication is the key. Never lie to her. If you care enough about her to think up a lie to get yourself out of trouble, just tell her the truth. Once you're caught, the trust is broken and it takes a whole lot more effort to rebuild the trust bond than it is to forget a fight. Remember, just being with her is good enough for her. If she really cares about you for you, she'll just enjoy being in your presence, you dont need money to hold her hand or whisper in her ear.
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if only there are such people out there....

A branch full of spiders

crap, didn't take this pic properly. anyway i was somewhere in the canal near dog platoon and came across this fallen dead branch.... full of spiders with like long front legs and webs everywhere. interesting. :D 

well, i had a good duty night, let's see my duty normally started at 12 midnight to 6:30am... but i was already sleeping in the restroom at dog platoon at 1:30am. :D
yesterday basically came home to sleep, woke up to record a few songs into my MD. Today's weather looks good, cloudy but yet there's still sun. might rain later on though... but no plans to head to the beach or whatever. i was wondering what can i make as a christmas prezzie for laura and those few so-called close frens of mine... cards? i was thinking of getting laura that ice cube lamp from ikea, but that $35 price tag set me off a bit. alternatively i was thinking of buying some small glasses and do some stain art on it... put a candle in it and yah, i don't know what you call it but that was the idea. i was also thinking of doing something original... but i haven't been original since my younger and wilder days.... maturity must have sent it away gah. anyhow anyway... aside from planning christmas thingys, got a few movies to watch at home. The Incredibles, The Matrix Reloaded.... ah National Treasure... ooh ya gonna download Blade Trinity as well. It's another long weekend for me, tomorrow took leave.... on christmas eve i'm on leave too...
feels like there's so much to do today but really, there isn't. wonder why i'm feeling this way today...

A night's out

yeah, last night went to that CTV launch party, haven't experienced the clubbing atmosphere in such a long time! it was good, just too bad that i couldn't hang out long cos i had work the next morning. nevertheless, i had some drinks.... the free housepour which was like nothing, the one-for-one beer that was a little too much for me and that sex on the beach drink that was mmm goood, courtesy of my fren kenneth. bigfoot wasn't a drinker, at around 11 he was pestering us that he was really hungry and well we had to leave anyway. the party itself, one of the main highlights besides the video launch itself, was the local band Electrico. Man they were good, rocked the house down. and there were games and blah... and i could've swore that there was a period of time i kinda noticed that some girl had her eyes on me... but i didn't even see her face at all, ah who cares. also there met a couple of frens i knew from laura... felt like a reunion thingy in a way. laura herself was lookin' stunning with that dress she was wearing, kenneth even mentioned that she looked hot and looked more like 20+ of age. Not surprised to hear that. :p bigfoot too had his eyes on her for a short while, heh freak. before i left, she gave me a present she bought for me while she was in KL, a great looking levi's shirt. i never thought i could buy one for myself, and voila... wow. really love the shirt, it's not just bcos it's from her.... hello it's leeevi's... $$.
you know actually.... to me the highlight of the night was seeing laura again. when she came up to me, it was all like when i was in sec sch, when i pretty looking girl approaches and talks to you and you don't know what to say cos you're too stunned and awed by the fact that she's actually talking to you. it was definately not the same as when we were together, but that special funny magical feeling was still there when she's around. yeah, you can say it's that "aura" she has. it never dies and seems that it will always be there. till now she's the only one that gives me that kind of feeling... then before i left there was the hug.... damn why am i talking like a horny high school girl.... :s
after we left, we went to newton to eat.... fried oysters, satay, chicken wings... i tell ya eating AFTER drinking doesn't really work well for me. the cab ride back to camp nearly caused me to throw up. haha.. oh ya while almost reaching camp, one of my other camp mates who was also heading back to camp by bus had overslept and missed his stopped... only alighting like... near the terminal end which is like.... a good 3km lol. and there were no buses left and he had to walk all the way back through the quiet road... we picked him up along the way. heh.... and i heard this wasn't the first time that happened to him... :D
well, guess i can say last was indeed good... had fun, felt good (before the alcohol kicked in) and i managed to wake up in time and drive straight. *smile*

*snort*

ah yes, got a half day off today... don't have to do rifle cleaning in the afternoon YES! mmmm, home is gooood... later going to that CTV party thingy, meeting up with kenneth and bigfoot, my 2 camp mates, at somerset. i was reading around and it looks like alotta ppl are looking forward to the party. me, just feeling happy that i've got some company... and also i'll be seeing laura in person in a long while. well, i hope the party will turn out good, good for her ctv, for herself and me... ya ya and everyone there...
now i've been keeping my hair long, wonder should i continue this or go back to cutting it short... it's really been a while since i had long hair, it never looked good when it was long. maybe i'll see how it'll go for now.
mmm, 5 pm now, think i'll go dress up and head out. out out out....

My camp sucks

Thank goodness i'm home now, no need to stay in that bloody old piece of crap for another night. i already spent the night over, up there at dog pla-toon as the standy aes driver (to play ps) and i'm damn sure that 6 hours of sleep up there is never as much as the 6 hours of sleep down at the barrack... of course you can never beat 6 hours of sleep at HOME, which i can't enjoy for the next few days *grumble* today i was suppose to be the standy driver again, but news said that today there ain't any activation... once the clock hit 5pm i was already halfway out of camp.
Laura's CTV party is tomorrow night, at the last minute stef smsed me that she remembered that she had to help out at an event at chinablack on that same night... coincidence huh.... so for a while i was contemplating whether to go or not, until i asked some of my camp mates and... i found myself some company. it wasn't much trouble, that was after i mentioned that i was gonna pay for their entrance... hell at least i've got company, price doesn't matter for now. Would you pay to have some company around? at times like these, i would.
today was alright, just feel rather tired the entire day due to the bad aura in dog platoon that prevents you from getting the best out from your sleep... later again heading to jurong point for meet up with some guys, hang out and most probably buy food and feast in camp and get fat... for now i'm just gonna enjoy the next precious hour at home... mmmm.

Feeling... dead

Argh, can't stop thinking about what could or would happen tomorrow, stupid vehicle matters.... and they say that being a driver is slack, easy life blahblahblah... plus doing 8 to 5 tomorrow... and the day after.... and the da... no wait i've got a half day off on thursday, phew. ok, i didn't cause the swd to skip, i didn't drive the van so they can't point at me... i just didn't get the papers signed on sat argh that's bad enough too. :( been at home the whole day, in just a few hours i'm heading back to camp. let's see, i've downloaded The Incredibles... just done with National Treasure... now getting the Matrix Reloaded cos i watched the first and third one without watching the 2nd one.... and it's bloody windy out there now. getting fatter these days, my belly growing by the minute.

No life in me for now.

Scewed, screwed... bloody screwed

Today was rather peaceful, a lot of alone time, both indoor and outdoor... and just when the day was about to end like... it's now about an hour and a half to midnight, i got a call from my driver ic saying that something really bad happened to the dog van. what is it you might wonder... accident? no. no fuel? no....
The speed warning device counter jumped. and that is a very, very bad thing to happen. yeah although my ic and i never drove that van ever since it was last checked, and obviously it was the other drivers' fault somehow... i made a fatal error of not checking the van on saturday morning. if i did and if it read the way it should, i would've been safe. fuck... first the tonner, now this. just had to let it out immediately... as if my life can't get any more worse, THIS has to happen. i'm nearly maxed out trying to deal with such stuff, let alone with myself too. and all the while i never seeked help, no one... i just couldn't. don't know why...why can't my life be more simple like my mind, i'm an under-educated 22 year old, facing money spending problems and has trouble communicating with the outside world thru face-to-face. right now inside, i'm feeling frustration, tiredness... and lonely. i can't even think of how to let myself out, this is just inadequate. who is willing to help me out here?! anyone? you, the one reading all these... can you help me please? just say something to me, someone. is it so difficult to ask for just one person's company... just one...

A single's weekend

yep, all by myself again. and it's a long one, took leave on monday. the past 2 days in camp was full of twists and turns... no it's not that big actually... vehicle matter. i knew that oiling the tonner was a very BAD move, happen so that that tonner was RETURNED to the MT line without our noticed and... man lotsa of screws ups and confusion. in the end, i'm gonna have to write some statement regarding the DEEP SCRATCH on that vehicle which I NEVER RECALLED CAUSING IT MYSELF, plus the dented number plate... whole load of the shit. My fat officer's gonna get it, moron... who asked him to oil thwe WHOLE tonner when i told him it wasn't meant to be.
My NCO duty on thursday was smooth, no incidents, no nothing... i didn't even have to report about it after the day cos i had to find a spare vehicle in the morning, by the time i came up, everyone was ready to dismount. awsome.later in the afternoon, luck got me a ride up back to dog sect without having the walk 20mins under the sun. :D
today went to get a burner for my computer, before had a short chat with laurz on the net. said that she's busy till the party on thursday so... guess i'll only get to see her on the day itself. got a feeling on that day itself she'll be too busy as well, busy entertaining other frens, her event, blah.... and i'm not suppose to care about that... at least i'll try not to. while outside today, i got a christmas greeting voice message from i dunno who, obviously someone using M1 like me... so smart of that someone not to leave their name, but it was a nice suprise nonetheless. after the day, i'm left with less than half of what i had in the bank this morning, and i've yet to put that $50 into my CPF... plus some christmas presents and the new year thingy... oh god another bout of "Surviving being broke". that's it, i'm leaving my atm card at home while i'm in camp, getting sick and tired of making a big loser out of myself at money matter. thinking of getting beer.... just realised i prefer beer that's not too gasy and not too chilled... cos that's when i can taste the sweetness in it.... i think? i don't know... nah better not get any now, will just stick water for tonight...
oh ya... right now i was supposed to be at zouk with my bunch of girl-hungry guys.... obviously they didn't stick to the plan in the end. sucks.
my life does suck, doesn't it?

Taking longer than expected

I'm still sick, actually it was even worse this morning. so much that i had to report sick. well after seeing the MO, got the usual medication... oh the doc also gave me a nsal spray, useful. nothing much today, around noon our side got activated and i drove the AES guy and his dog down to the pass office which is just outside the camp to investigate a parked car which was there for quite a while. turns out nothing much. then afternoon... got instructed to wash the tonner again, in prep for the ferrying of the orphans from Melrose Garden or like that to our camp for their visit here. had tried to remove the oil from the body, turns out looked much uglier so had to reoil the bloody vehicle again. by then i was having a headache... got worse by evening. thankful one of the guy Jeremy drove his dad's 7 seater merc MPV, got a ride to bukit batok... it's a much shorter bus ride from there. that short guy drove freakin' reckless like some loose cannon.... weaving in and out, good thing his reflexes are fast.
won't be home till sat, doing NCO duty for tomorrow at the same time, be the standy driver for the activation thingy. gotta stock up on some food now... hmm this sat's night out at the club seems grim... hope the guys will stick to the plan.
pay day coming, pay day coming....

Something unexpected

right now currently down with the flu bug... wait it's not just flu, i rather called it that i'm suffering from a nasty COLD! and to think i actuall went thru duty while being so sick... right now i'm still feeling rather so, despite having taken some flu pills and panadol... plus hours of rest. last night was particularly c-c-cold at night, even wearing an extra shirt inside my uniform didn't realy help. had a freakin' hard time sleeping... terrible. thankfully the pullback was early, got back to sog sect and slept for a while before deplying the AES dogs. got still had to drive.
while on duty last night, i received an unexpected call from laurz. it was nearly 2am and i was just sitting in the weathershed when i heard my phone ring. it wasn't the normal Kylie's Slow ringtone, it was Coldplay's In My Place which i used to specially assign that to only 1 person's name when she called. indeed it was her... at that point of time i told myself to just keep cool and ya... besides i'm sick, can't do much but breathe anyway. we talked about how we're doing... and she just returned from her KL trip yesterday, read her blog, sounded like she had a really good time. she was also telling me that her CTV is holding it's first ever party and she invited me and dick to come along. i calculated that i am free on that night can would confirm with her whether dick can come along too... along with any of my camp buddies if there're interested too. man why am i typing all these in detail... anyway most likely to meet up sometime soon, man it's been a while. without doubt inside whether it's my heart or mind, will be looking forward to seeing her soon. was on the phone for 20mins with her... longest so far anyone recently heh...
before i went to camp last night i was also talking to stef online. she's still having some trouble with her relationship with her bf, talking about issues regarding him hoping that she can convert to christianity so that both are on the same level view... or something like that. ever since that no-bars-hold incident they had, they're life together had been rather shaky... but still they're trying to work things out somehow. despite having a tight school schdule, stef plans to meet up with me sometime next week, :).
well i'm getting tired all over again... not sure whether to report sick tomorrow morning, see how then. after the phone call i got this morning, i felt better somehow inside. it's those kinda funny feeling thingy... :)

The verge of having a fever

It's apparent that the eating of instant noodles for the past few days have really taken it's toll on me. first it was the diarohea-like toilet visits (including last night.... while at duty area), then in the wee hours of the morning the feeling of heatiness in my throat despite drinking more fluid than usual.... now it has come to this. i came home with a really stuffed up nose which was also leaking and i could feel myslef burning up.
yes, i'm on the verge of having a fever.
usually this is the time where i decided whether to have it or try to supress it; to get mc leave or not let the others suffer because of my absence. right now there're only 2 operationsl drivers at dog sect, the other freshie haven't had his orientation drive yet so he stil can't drive yet. so i decided to try to supress it the best i can... i popped 2 panadol pills, went online for a while and went to sleep. had trouble sleeping though, at the same time took my temperature and it read 36.5 degrees. i could feel myself heating up.
right now i just woke up not long ago and my temp. still reads the same, but feeling rather sick and quite a bit of fatigue setting in. made some hot milo, don't know i should have that or not but it does make me feel a little better. dang, if only i had brought home some panadol extra pills from my cupboard in camp... mom was home today (thank god!), finally proper meals at last. very gloomy weather outside today, didn't rain much but was drizzling ever since i came home. not helping with my recovery... i can easily get sick, and can easily get out of it too... hope i can do it this time too.... *clears throat and blows really stuffed up nose... oh my god so much sh*t....*

15 hours straight

15 hours. that's just about... slightly more than half the enitre day? what would you do with those 15 hours? how would you spend it... what can you get out from that 15 hours... what can be acomplished within that time....

ahh, i'll just cut that crappy suspense thriller thingy, basic yesterday, i practically spent the entire day... what else, on the computer. i stayed up on friday night, went thru the wee hours of saturday morning, made some breakfast and heh... continued on. i was just surfing... and surfing... probably wonder what on earth was i browsing at huh. i would've stopped at 2 in the morning, but i happened to remember i had kept a particular copy of FHM, which had a section on this "100 Essential Websites". yep, went thru all 100 of them. learnt new stuff, laughed my ass off at jokes and parodies, the one with all those flash movies and games was the one that kept me going the longest. then... i had to come across this particular webbie. inside there contained the world's most gross, disgusting and urgh.... vomit-inducing and very likely to cause nightmare pictures of... *shudder* dead bodies, horrible accidents, scenes of.. brutal murders and crime... oh my god, i cannot describe anymore. i didn'y know what the fuck came over me, but my intuitive sick mind had to pull me to taking a peek at those gore shit. plus it was at night. i know that i'm a scared shit kinda person, my memory may not function well to remember stuff, but my photographic memory is the total opposite. Wonder why.. anyway, to prevent freaking the hell out of myself and soil my room, i resized the browser to a minimal size, that could barely see the images. it worked, by slowly scolling to see just part of the image, i can sort of have an idea what i could be seeing and stop myself there. spent an hour at that website.... shit man, why did i ever go there...
i only managed to take a nap in the afternoon.... then woke and i was at it again. then in the evening i told myself, i think i better do something else before i get reeeally hooked online. so... went to, i just simply don't know why, jurong point. i think it's cos i always go thru there before heading back to camp... so just walked around there... checking out the arcade, reading stuff... sigh next time i should just leave ALL my money at home went i go out alone, had to have a game when i was at the arcade. Oh... over there 3 china guys, speaking chinese and doing that china accent at my face, approached me and asked out i got the secret car in the game. i don't wanna explain all those detail.... but basically, i made those guys spent 6 bucks on getting those secret cars and thru that, i think they're gonna spend a lot more cos gotta build level and blah shit... heh. god damn those rich chinese students....
last night again stayed up all night... looking at news and stuff again.... hm smell rain *sniff* anyway got duty tonight, gotta take the afternoon nap and hope and pray no surprise visits....
just feel so sick of my life i'm living now. no friends of close connections, no company i can feel comfortable in, no one who wants to know about me and my life... whatever i do the misery still remains... losing the one who used to be so close and comfortable has never been so hard, hurt and painful. where others move on, i'm not just picking up the pieces of my own life, i'm trying to find them as well.

It's a lonely weekend for me

yeah... mom's not around, dad's glued to the tv and sofa the entire time ever since i came home around noon. It's 10:35pm now, radio's playing Kelly Clarkson's The Trouble With Love... the lights in my room is still out, now making use of my tealights... feels a little romantic heh. forgot about yesterday's stuff... tomorrow's my off day and it's a saturday... and i'm still broke. no point going out, no face to ask anyone out, my room is the only place where i feel comfortable now. away from the tragically unbalanced and cruel society of the outside world, i just can't help to feel safe, having the sense of privacy in my own world right here. Christmas mood seems to be filling the mood in almost everyone head, though i never celebrated christmas before, i wondered sometimes how it would be like to have one. the dinner, the get-together, the fun and probably booze, the tree and presents. Snow would be nice too... you know, i always about wondered about myself, why am i the way i am now. me being always pessemistic, anti-social, quiet and all... me lacking memory power, inability to do academic studying for long periods, following traits of my dad... i tried digging deeping into my childhood memory life, doing my best to salvage what i can remember... figuring out myself what had happened in the past that could have made that life-changing impact. so far did came out with some theories... but then again, i'm working on myself and alone.
lauz still in my mind these days, and while taking a shower just now, just realized... yeah i know i'm reeeeal slow but anyway... i remembered what she told a long time ago... when her parents weren't aware that we were together, that her mum mentioned that she shouldn't get involved in a relationship and be tied down to just one guy... and that she's still young and there're lots of guys out there... yeah, i guess her mum's right. plus she loves her family a lot more than anything else, frens asides, naturally they'll come first. Well, that's another little step to realizing how dumb and stupid i've been all the while...
few days ago tried initiating contact with her by sms, happened so that she was going out so not much words exchanged at all... some time later i did some wallpaper work during some free time and sent some to her by mms, got her usual don't-spend-so-much-money reply. apparently it looks things are still rather... cold. i was afraid that this would happen, yet inside me wants to just see how's she doing. i've been kinda keeping track of her life thru her blogs, looks like she having a ball of a time. God, why am i still onto her? no one has ever come forward to offer help and i'm just to shy/afraid/embaressed to approach anyone. things are just never, never working out the way i hope it would be. whether am being happy-go-lucky or praying damn hard for things, the life my goes right now seems destined. *looks around*
well onto other things... next saturday my shift guys are planning to go clubbing at zouk, i haven't been to any for a real long time... and since it's AFTER pay day, i think that's something for me to look forward to. work wise, it's december now and there's some surpise base security audit happening some time next week (so much for "surprise"...) plus, duty spot checks and night baiting happening soon too... man i can smell the extra duties coming to me. to make matters worse, my duty schdule looks pretty packed, what a way to end the year.
alright think that enough for tonight... oh told yer about the cat before? well this happened a few days ago... she just came into our barrack just like that and... well look on


"What are you looking at? Where is your stash of food?!" 


*pic's a little though, but she's actually looking into my cupboard* 


"useless junk... where is your food?!" 


"Ooh FHM... mmm...." 


.... and all this was happening... with all those guys around. Erp.  


A random photo i took of Antis... doesn't he look sweeet???  

*yawn*... just woke up, had quite a long afternoon nap, so tired man. yesterday could blog cos i woke up late, plus my mum told me that my bro ain't driving... so had to rush a little. well it was much to talk about yesterday.... oh damn, and i gotta go now. guess i'll continue tomorrow.... looong weekend. plus mum's not gonna be at home till monday... and she just gave me 20 bucks, gotta make it last till then. sigh....